You Wanna be an Avenger?
by SlayQueen16
Summary: It seems Spiderwoman has been assigned by the Avengers the absolutely wonderful task of supervising Deadpool. How long will it take for her to not want to take a swan dive off Stark Tower? (Fem!Spiderman, superfamily)
1. Partnership Begins

**Story: You Wanna be an Avenger**

 **Chapter One: Partnership Begins**

"Please, don't hurt us."

"I'm sure we can work something. Anything you want."

"I always wanted a pony!"

The two victims in the dark alley looked over to see none other than their friendly neighborhood Spiderwoman right there. Hope emanated from the couple. But the man harassing them wasn't intimidated whatsoever despite the hero's reputation.

"Oh, but you weren't asking me, were you?" she continued to quip as she shrugged her shoulders. "Well, as long as I'm here…."

A hard kick was delivered to his knee, causing him to collapse and grasp it. The man cursed and revealed himself to simply be a regular thug wanting the lady's purse for whatever purpose. He even dropped the woman's hand bag that he recently stole. This whole set up, quite frankly, surprised Spiderwoman.

"Wow, a mugging," she said, bending down to pick up the purse. "I haven't gotten one of those in forever. It's usually with the superpowers and science experiments gone wrong and all." she felt rather nostalgic and a little sentimental from this. "It's kind of sweet actually." Then she realized essentially what she just said and how that sounded to the couple she just saved. So she turned toward them and handed the woman her purse back. "Well, maybe not for you. You should go. Now."

The couple ran off the second they got their purse back. Well, thankfully she managed to save a few people from mild monetary issues and cancellations of credit cards. That made her feel a little bit better about her duties as Spiderwoman tonight.

She turned to the mugger and smirked. Well, it seemed like she could play around and hold back with a simple mugger unless he's been holding out and trying to throw her off. But that was highly doubtful considering how his target ran off with their money. She figured she was good. "Come on, rush me," she said. "It'll be funny." After all, it just felt good to do some good that was completely under her con—

"AAAAGGGGHHHH!"

A figure clad in red and black just tackled the mugger's legs from the ledge he was perched on. To make matters worse the attack landed incorrectly and ended up letting the mugger's legs go due to the attacker smacking his gut hard on the pavement, presumably knocking the wind out of him. That wasn't even the worst of it. He ended up barrel rolling into Spiderwoman, hitting her legs with his large muscular body, making her topple over and on her back. The mugger took this opportunity to run for his life while both red clad figures were down.

"Ugh!" she scoffed, watching the mugger run down another alley. "Are you kidding me?" she said breathlessly.

Normally, she would chase after him, but her legs were currently crushed underneath a body about twice her size and weight. She tried wiggling free, but to no avail it wasn't exactly working for her. She was rooted in the same spot.

"Owwwwwww," she heard the owner of the body groan.

"Dammit, Deadpool!" she sighed in frustration. "What are you even doing here?" she tried to wiggle out from under him rather unsuccessfully. "And could you do me a solid and get off? My legs are going numb."

"Aw, come on, I kinda like you under me," he winked underneath his mask. "You know all soft and—"

Nope, she wasn't going to let him finish that particularly nasty little sentence. So she pretty much army crawled out from under him, all elbows, and no legs since they were indeed trapped. She was done with this.

She stood up and began brushing away the dirt from her red and blue costume. Cleaning up her Spiderwoman suit wasn't exactly a day in the park. There was a dirt stain on her thigh; she sighed in frustration, throwing her head back up at the night sky. Deadpool had done it again: annoyed the absolute crap out of her and ruined something of hers.

"Yea, looks like I'm gonna turn everything blue and red in the wash again," she said with an annoyed sigh. "You'd think it'd be cool having all your clothes matching, but nope… it's not. And with that," she faked a smile, "an extreme see you _never_."

She ran a hand down her mask covered face frustratedly before walking over towards the exit of the alleyway. She planned on taking a bubble bath. She could picture it now: the water so scalding hot that it just melts off all the tension in her muscles, the bubbles surrounding her would smell of lavender. That sounded heavenly. She'd relax despite the fact that she didn't really earn it, but then again surviving Deadpool's constant flirting and fuck-ups is quite a feat in itself.

"Aw, come on," she heard his voice call down the alley, "let's get some tacos, babe, and call it even."

"Not hungry," she said. On that note, she shot a web into the air, attaching it to a building, and retracting it in order to launch her in the air.

The next day was equally as boring in the crime department: a few minor muggings, robberies, and attempts at assault. Sure, she appreciated the load off on the crime fighting when it came to a city known for its intense crime, but it was odd. What was going on? Normally, she'd investigate the whole situation. The issue was she didn't know where to begin to figure this out and, on some level, she didn't want to. Life was easier. She could focus better on school, photography, and her friends.

Spiderwoman hung from her web, eyes scanning around the area, and that was about when her spidey sense tingled. Her head snapped over to see none other than Deadpool once more. The guy didn't simply understand 'fuck off' when he heard it apparently. And it seemed he was taking this, interfering with crime fighting thing, to a whole different level. He was hanging just like her with a rope instead right next to her. She didn't know if it was done out mockery or flattery, but either way her brows furrowed in irritation at him being in her presence two days in a row.

"Well, this awkward," he said. "You know, one of us is going to have to get down and it's not going to be me, Spidey."

'Like at the prom when that girl dared to wear the same dress as us.'

 _We never went to the prom. Even our cousin didn't want to pretend to be our date._

Suddenly, the rope snapped and he fell to the ground with a hard definitive thump. Spiderwoman shook her head in mild amusement. Apparently, the merc with the mouth wasn't so good at calculating tensile strength or adding in extra weight such as his large variety of weapons on him. Whatever it got a chuckle out of her to see him fall on his ass.

"Ow," he said painfully, pulliny himself to his feet. Then he noticed something rather interesting as he stood before the hero's upside down face. "Hey, this reminds of something…."

'Spidey's Mrs. Right Height?'

 _No, it's a perfect moment for the Spider Kiss, you dolt. All we need now is the rain and it'll be an almost exact replica of—_

"Hey webhead, wanna do the Spider Kiss? Quick, you be Spiderwoman and I'll be the greatful damsel who wants to smooch you."

Her brows creased in irritation as he made a reach for the hem of her mask. Call her crazy, but she didn't want to be frenched by the guy who screwed up her crime fighting and blew people's heads off. So she hopped down, detaching herself from her web, and pushed him to gain a comfortable distance between them. Clearly, the guy had no game and the constant interference in her day to day life made her want to do things unbefitting of a hero.

"No," she said.

"Jeez, little Miss Uptight, remind me not to try to kiss those sassy lips of yours."

"More often?" she asked, giving him a pointed look.

"Hey," he whined, feigning insult. "Sympathy for the guy trying to hit on a girl who can bench an elephant."

She wasn't proud of the fact that her face was almost as red as her costume. Typically when walking through the city as Penny Parker she was used to and hated the usual form of street harassment she got. It was _always_ disgusting comments about body parts they found appealing and what the wanted to use them for. But it's been a long time since someone complimented her strength or accomplishments when it came to trying to hook up with her. But she figured it was only because he hadn't seen her face or anything else.

"As flattering as that is," she said, "there's no sympathy for dumbasses."

"Oh how you slash me with your words, beautiful," he said.

'How do we know she's beautiful? We've never seen her face. *gasp* What if she looks like the crypt keeper!'

 _You're getting confused with our ugly mug again. Besides super heroes don't look ugly. Remember Nuklon._

'Who?'

 _Exactly._

"Hey, baby doll, come back," he called as he she rushed forward towards the a thug that just robbed a jewelry store. "Stupid criminal, cock blocking me and my super lady friend, you son of a bitch." he said bitterly.

With that he caught up to the superhero that she just wrapped up in her webs. Out of frustration of being interrupted, he pulled out his glock and shot the robber in the face. The once cheering crowd gasped, including the young woman he was trying to impress, and then sounds of disgust came from everyone but him. Spiderwoman even covered her mouth and plugged her nose from the rancid smell of a fresh dead body.

After Spiderwoman regained control of her heightened senses she stood up and gave mercernary an absolutely scathing look. "What the hell is wrong with you, Deadpool?!"

"What? I'm helping," he said, trying and failing miserably at the innocent look.

People were scrambling to get away from the maniac with a gun who just blew off a man's face. Then sirens went off in the distance coming closer and closer to where they were at and the two of them knew they needed to disappear.

"Well, as much as I'd love to stick around and face police brutality, I'm out of here," she said.

She shot a web from her wrist to a huge building. Just as she started to retract it to launch her into the air she felt a muscular body twice her size latch onto her by her torso. She gasped in shock at the feeling someone else web-slinging across the skies of New York with her.

"This is so much fuuuuuuuuunn!" he exclaimed. "I'm definitely stealing those web-slingers from you, be-argh!"

Fingers dug viciously into his arm, causing him to drop like a brick from the back he was previously attached to. He smacked down on the top of the building and rolled vicously along the surface. The severe pain shooting all up and down his feet told him he probably broke them from such a hard landing.

"Sorry, can't have murderous groupies hanging around," she called as she continued to sling across the city.

X

"WHAT?!"

"I need you to supervise and partner up with Deadpool," Fury told her.

Penny looked as if someone had set a savage super powered cannibal on her without any of her spider powers to defend herself. Supervise and partner up the merc with the mouth? Was he kidding? She could barely stand the guy for two minutes how was she going to work complicated missions with this guy? It was ridiculous. What with the inappropriate jokes, the way he never shuts up, and the obsession with her web-slingers and wanting to steal them to go gallivanting off into the city of New York. Yeah, no one wanted to be tethered to Deadpool. Absolutely ridiculous. Maybe that's why Fury assigned him to her. She was the last person to be partnered.

"I'm not partnering up with Deadpool, Fury," Penny protested.

"Oh come on, Spidey, don't you like us?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and pulling her into his chest.

 _Maybe she doesn't particularly appreciate our style of flirting when she's angry like this._

'Oh lay off him, will ya? How can anyone resist our charm?'

"Not particularly," she said smacking his hand off her with a narrowed gaze directed right at him. "Please don't touch me."

The guy just didn't take a hint. Did he think she was playing? Teasing him? She wasn't. There was a difference in tone between being coy, and absolutely serious. Usually, when in the presence of a guy that kept running his mouth and was very insistent on sleeping with her, she had what most people called 'resting bitch face'. Deadpool probably couldn't see it behind her mask, but still when someone looks as if murder is about to go down it's best to change tactics.

"Aw, but you're so soft and little—"

"Deadpool, do not finish that sentence if you value your balls," she said. Then she turned to face Fury, hoping he'd take pity on her and give her a different partner. "See? You can't pair me up with this guy. He's gonna drive me crazy."

There was no trace of pity on his face. "Everyone else is partnered up: Black Widow and Hawkeye, Iron Maiden and Captain America…. Do I need to go on? Suck it up, Spiderwoman, we need these missions to go well. Do I make myself clear?" he said, managing to give her a menacing look with only one eye.

She looked back and forth between Deadpool, who was grinning stupidly and trying his hardest to look like a little angel, and Fury, who looked dead serious. She could either put up with the merc with a mouth for a few hours once every week or so, or she could piss off her boss and pretty much get kicked out of the Avengers. Pick your poison.

She sighed and dropped her head for a moment. "Crystal," she said through grit teeth.

'Yea! Spidey likes us!'

 _Like is a strong and… inaccurate word._

"Yea! I'm so happy right now!" Deadpool said, crushing her to his chest in a brutal and unwelcomed hug, which startled her. "And it's not because I get to see your ass in that spandex on a weekly basis…. Okay, I lied; that's _mostly_ the reason."

She pushed him off with a hard elbow to the stomach. Idly, she wondered if she could get him for sexual harassment. From what she remembers on most of the Avengers database's criminal records Deadpool had one of the biggest ones, wanted in just about every country from what she gathered. It would be so easy to get him for that… and a bunch of other crap like _manslaughter_.

Fury smirked, "I'll let you two kids work it out. Here's your first assignment." he handed the two a manilla colored folder.

Both of them reached for it, but Deadpool's hand happened to be a split second faster in that moment and grasped the folder. He began his dance of victory, whooping and hollering. Spiderwoman, of course, didn't take kindly to this and tried to reach for it as he continued to prance around happily.

"Yes! It's mine! Ha-ha!" he cheered, laughing hard at the woman who was about half his size in both width and height.

"Hand it over, Deadpool," she said.

She tried to reach for it and get it back from him, but he kept holding just right out of her reach while her fingers would brush against the folder before it was yanked way out of her reach. He was laughing maniacally at how vertically challenged the superhero was as he continued to tease her.

"Well," Fury said, keeping a chuckle of amusement at bay, "it seems like you've got this under control. I'm going to leave now." And with that he was gone.

"Ugh! Give it to me, Deadpool!" she said angrily.

"Say pretty please!" he teased.

"This is ridiculous," she said. "You're a grown ass man."

She made another grab for it, but of course he put it out of her reach again and her hand landed on his shoulder. An idea popped into her head. She placed one of her feet on his knee and lifted herself to begin climbing up his body like a cliffside. And eventually, she wound up piggy-backing him as she continued to reach for the folder.

'Holy shit, they weren't kidding about the whole spider thing. Anybody got some raid?'

 _You do know spiders are arach—_

'Shut up.'

"Shut up."

Penny asked, "What?"

"Nothing, spider babe," he said. "It seems you like doing things from behind. Why don't we take this to the—"

So tired of his stupid mouth running, an arm tightened around his neck exponentially. If she cut off his airflow then he'd shut up, right? It seemed so because now he was spluttering and coughing underneath her super strengthened arm. And after a moment or two it got to the point where he collapsed, and dropped the folder to the ground.

"Ugh!" was his garbled response.

She hopped off of him and picked up the folder with a sweep of her hand. Her brown eyes swept through its contents, thinking of how she could keep Deadpool out of her hair best.

"Oh thank God," he coughed, clutching his throat.

'Spidey's so little, but so strong. They weren't kidding about the whole 'amazing' thing. She on steroids?'

 _No, she's just super strong from her spider powers, so maybe we should think twice about pissing her off._

"But we can't die," Deadpool supplied, standing up. "So I could get into autoerotic asphyxiation."

"Why would you _want_ to be ch— Never mind," she sighed, and then continued. "It's not important. Just meet me at Central Park at noon tomorrow alright? We'll talk about this whole mission thing," she looked at the file to make sure she was pronouncing their various target's names correctly, "Schmit Vondike and his brothers… or however you pronounce these names."

He stepped into her personal space without a care for her preferences. She, of course, didn't particularly appreciate this. She looked him up and down to make sure those large hands were where they were supposed to be. When she looked back up at his face he was grinning from the ear to ear, the mask outlining his face pretty well.

"It's a date then!" he said, going for a mask to mask kiss on the cheek. Then he took the chance to run while she was still shocked at his audacity. "See you at 12:00 spider-pumpkin! There's more kisses where that came from."

She wiped her cheek insistently even though technically skin on skin contact was not made. And even so, her face was burning in embarrassment at the unexpected show of affection.

"It's not a date!" she roared across the room.

He just laughed at her expense. She sighed in complete and absolute frustration. This was going to be a headache and a half if she didn't find a way to get Deadpool to take a hint and a breath mint.

 **Author's Note: please review.**


	2. Big Pain in the Ass

**ImAnnieB: Thank you so much! ㈳2 I've actually only read one where Spidey was a girl on a different website and I thought there should be more. So tada! This story was born. If you're curious how she looks there's an actual physical description of her in this chapter (spoiler alert ㈴1). I'm glad I captured the spirit of Deadpool in my fic, considering I just watched a play through of his game. Anyways, happy reading, I hope you enjoy.**

 **Chapter Two: Big Pain in the Ass**

"Listen," Penny said, tilting her head to stretch out her neck. As it was, the shelf behind her was digging into her neck and she couldn't exactly move with Wade right there in her personal space. "If you grope my ass one more time, I swear to god, I will never buy you tacos. Ever. Again."

"Whoa, Pen-Pen," and she still couldn't believe the merc had found out her real name, "harsh blow, but," Wade leaned forward and his large hands reached around to pull her ass into his palms. She let out an embarrassing squeak, immediately putting her hands up to create some semblance of space between their chests, "that's a cross I'm willing to bear." he smirked devilishly.

"You're not using that saying correctly," she said, her cheeks were heating up the closer he got to her. She hadn't gotten this close or intimate with someone since she broke up with her last boyfriend. How did this even happen? How exactly had she ended up chest-to-chest with the murderous 'partner' with guns for hands on her ass in her own coat closet?

Oh yeah.

She was in a Mexican restaurant with the merc with the mouth. She wanted to discuss the plans for their heist in a couple of days. She was trying her hardest to get him to focus on this particular topic, but he was far too interested in making small and typical first date talk. It was quite the doozy. Did he not care about the mission at hand? Come to think of it he probably didn't.

"You know, there's quite a few American beers that are highly underrated," Deadpool commented as put his bottle down. "This unfortunately is not one of them." he made a gagging noise to emphasize this.

Spiderwoman rolled her eyes with a small smile. Despite her typical intolerance of her 'partner' she actually found that kind of amusing, but they were getting off topic for the umpteenth time today. What with him ordering his beers, cracking jokes, and what not they've been rather slow with getting to the point of this little meeting.

For crying out loud if he wanted to talk to women in a restaurant in a date-like setting then just go to Craig's List and find one there. They probably would try to roofie him and sell his organs on the black market, but beggers can't be choosers.

"Update, Deadpool: we're not here to discuss the fine choice of hops," she told him with a small sigh. "Meeting points, entry options, blind spots in security, takedowns, and ground rules. All things we're here to talk about."

'Entry points, haha!'

 _Ground rules? What does she mean by ground rules?_

"Eh, I'll let you figure it out, babe. You're smart right? Just call me when you need the heads to start rolling," he said propping his feet up on the table and folding his arms behind his head.

Wow. There was so many things wrong with that sentence that Spiderwoman knew she'd have to deconstruct that piece by piece. Working and reasoning with him was definitely a challenge she didn't want to take on, but she knew she had to. _Somebody just kill me now_ , she thought dramatically.

"I already have and that's why I'm—" she began frustratedly.

"And since I'm the guy that doesn't die no matter how many times you shoot me in the head, we're going to do this my way. Tacos, sugar lips."

"What?" she asked, looking at him incredulously.

"Beef tacos. Order me up a plate, I'm feeling hungry," he smirked underneath his mask.

'Yeah, now, it's a real date! She's paying and everything.'

 _Knowing Spiderwoman, she's going to punch us for talking to her like that._

Even through her mask he could see the deep set glare on her brow. It seemed voice number two was quite right: she did not appreciate being talked to like that.

But unfortunately for her, it seemed if she was going to get any traction from this guy she'd have to comply to his increasingly annoying whims. She turned to try and get the passing waiter's attention, but he rounded a corner leaving her line of sight. Too late, it looks like they'd have to wait longer. She sighed and faced him again. She might as well get to the point if they had to wait.

"So," she said, pushing his feet out of the way in order to look at his mask clad face, "ground rules: no killing — eh, no buts!" she said stopping him before he even started to protest.

She'd heard rumors of the number of people he's snuffed for cash and knew he was perfectly okay with that. Not to mention she witnessed face to face when she saw him blow a simple robber's brain matter all over the pavement. And she wasn't okay with that. She's never killed anyone — directly that is, and even then that still caused all kinds of nightmares — and she didn't want to start now just because she was partnered up with a psycho with fists for brains.

"Oh come on, sweetheart, how else am I going to get the job done?" he pouted. "If you're that squeamish just close your eyes and let daddy take care of it."

 _Really daddy references?_

'Come on, everyone knows all the sluts have shitty relationships with their dads.'

 _I don't think comparing her to a slut will win us any points._

'Oh please, as if you know anything about women.'

 _We're voices in our head. We know the exact same things about women._

"Has anyone ever told you the whole 'daddy thing' is a real big turn off. That, and putting your feet on the table," she said pushing them off in one big swoop.

"Well, did anyone ever tell you beating people up and saying really mean stuff is a big turn off? … Okay, that's a lie. It actually gets me real hot and bothered. Yeaaaah, I'm into some really fucked up shit," he said almost wistfully. Then suddenly his attention snapped back full force and had an almost crazy look on his face. "Hey, quit distracting me with your words and those swollen lady parts! Bring me tacos, woman! You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry."

"Well, you wouldn't like me when I'm—"

"Hi, I'm Melissa and I'll be your waitress this afternoon. Have you decided what you're going to eat?"

The two of them looked over to see the smiling blonde server with her eyes closed. Fortunately, this interruption caused Spiderwoman to realize where she was, a public restaurant, and stopped her from punching him in the head for calling her 'woman'. She took a deep breath and was about to tell Melissa what she and Deadpool wanted, but _of course_ it wasn't that simple.

"Yeah, gimme some tacos and make it fast. My girlfriend is paying and this is our first date and she's a fiery one when she's hungry," he said.

She buried her face in her hands and thanked whatever deity that was out there for having her face covered by a mask so that no one should see how red her face was. Why did he have to say such stupid shit whilst being so rude and obnoxious about it? It was bad enough when he would say things like 'girlfriend' and 'date,' but when he said it to other people in a public forum…. She wondered vaguely if she could pop a blood vessel from all the blood in her face and then die from shame?

"Awww, you guys are dating?" she asked. "That's so cute! Tell me, how did you guys meet? No wait let me guess, LARPING?" she said, assuming so since the two of them were indeed costumed.

"No, we are not dating and we do not LARP," she said quickly, waving her hand back and forth adamantly.

"Oh come on, honey, tell her how we met playing D&D and how you instantly fell in love with me," he said clasping his hands together at the side of his cheek and batting his eyelashes underneath his mask in an almost schoolgirlish fashion. "You just couldn't enough of me, could you my little sugar plum?"

Melissa laughed at that as Spiderwoman let her head drop to the cool surface of the table. She was absolutely mortified and it wasn't getting any better. Could she just die from embarrassment or have the earth crack open and suck her up and out of this situation? She'd take that in a heartbeat.

"Awwww, so cute," she said, smiling down at them. "I'll go put in your order right now. Stay adorable." With that she left.

Spiderwoman lifted her head and glared daggers at him. "Were you born this big of a pain in the ass?" she asked.

"Oh come on, sweetheart, I'm a fun costumer," he said, winking at her. "They love me."

She decided it was best not to make a comment about that and she just didn't really have the energy to argue over something so minor. She decided to get to the point and then get this weird and irritating lunch thing over with as soon as possible. And she did. She tried her best to inform him of her plan in order to infiltrate Vondike's mansion and capture him, but of course Deadpool was constantly telling her he was bored and kept changing the subject. She swore he had the attention span of a rodent when it came to 'boring' stuff.

And it just got worse when he got his tacos because for some reason he took that as some kind of cue to ask her questions about her personal life — her real name, if she had a boyfriend, cup size, if she had a boyfriend, how she got her spidey powers, if she had a boyfriend, what her hopes and dreams are, and did she mention if she had a boyfriend? Of course, she refused to answer all of these questions. She wasn't stupid; she didn't want Deadpool anywhere near her personal life and planned to keep it that way. Who knew what he'd do to her friends or what little family she had left? He wasn't called 'unpredictable' because everyone knew exactly what he'd do in situations.

It was time to end this little meeting.

"Bye, Deadpool, I'll see you… whenever," she sighed.

She was exhausted. Spiderwoman pitied the fool who dated Deadpool and could put up with his crap. Just a couple of hours at Samantha's Taco Place and she needed a nap… or drugs. Both sounded real good right now and she lead a pretty clean life. Maybe she could drink if he was going to be this big of a pain in the ass.

"Aw, I was thinking you and me could head back to my place and, you know, _bump_ _uglies_ ," he wiggled his brows and wrapped an arm around her narrow shoulders, dwarfing them rather easily.

She almost said, 'if you carry me,' but realized rather sleepily what 'bump uglies' meant and quickly changed her response. No way in hell was she going to give any consent of any kind that she wanted to sleep with him. He'd never let that go.

"No, I'm going home and taking a nap," then she smirked at him. "Guess it's you and your hand tonight. Don't forget the lotion."

He heard her laugh softly as he looked at her in mild horror and shock at her audacity. He practically never saw her like that because she was too busy spurning his sexual advances.

"Oh my little spider, such naughty words," he said, faking his gasp.

'She's actually kind of funny!'

 _That's a change from her usual rage towards us. We like it._

Without another word she attached a web from her web slinger to a building and took off into the air. She quickly went through the streets of New York to get to her apartment. It was nap time and then study time. She didn't exactly have a lot of free time to do whatever.

When she'd gotten to her apartment building she'd been talking to Gwen on the phone as she went to the alley towards her fire escape. Where no one could see her, so no, it wasn't an obvious out-in-the-open superhero snarking to her roommate about what kind of detergent they should buy. The blonde had been making a play for tide, but the brunette wasn't trying to spend more than necessary and so she was vying for the cheaper brand — whatever that random purple one was called. Gwen would know.

"The tide stuff makes our clothes softer, Penny," Gwen said matter-of-factly, and if Penny weren't hanging upside down at that precise moment, she'd have rolled her eyes, but as it was, all the blood was rushing to her head and — wow she should really think about coming back down. She twisted around and righted herself on the large fire escape of her apartment before calling Gwen her 'mom,' in a playful tone.

Of course her friend scoffed, "Yeah, yeah. Whatever. I'm buying the tide, cause you don't do the laundry anyway. You do the dishes, Miss I'm A Superhero And I Don't Have The Time."

She shifted her balance to her good foot, then feeling the hint of a pebble, switched back. She put the phone on speaker and reached around to pull off her shoe. She didn't see the harm in the action until a moment later when Gwen said, "Listen Penny—" just as her least favorite mercenary — not that she really had a list, but if she were to have one Deadpool would be at the farthest, grossest, corner at the bottom of the page.

"Penny?" he said, and every bone in her lean body locked down and froze in place. That could _not_ be the voice she thought it was. No way, no how. It was just Gwen or Harry doing a really good imitation or or or — she turned slowly. Fuck.

"I'mgonnahavetocallyouback—" she spat into the phone, then hung up on Gwen. She'd be paying for that later, but as it was, she had to pay for this now. "Heeeeeeeeyyyyyy, Deadpool," she said, drawing out the 'ey' like this encounter was the most nerve racking thing imaginable. And it kind of was. He probably heard her roommate say her name and this is where she lived. This could not get worse. "What's up?" she asked offhandedly.

Real casual-like, Penny. Real smooth. SHIELD would be so proud.

Deadpool was sporting a full-on grin at this point and said, "Your name is Penny? Like Penelope Penny? Like Penny-wenny-boe-benny-Penny?"

"If I say 'no,' will you leave me alone?"

Deadpool's grin rose an inch making her arch an eyebrow. Honestly, how the hell did this crazed merc make those vivid expressions without any actual facial features on display? Then the guy tilted his head back and let out a loud laugh. Penny grimaced, this was bad. Like real bad. Like alien attack on New York City with nothing but her web-slingers to back her up bad.

She could do one of two things — either web off and deny everything, or… she stepped forward and grabbed Deadpool's wrist, tugging the merc up, then she ducked into the empty apartment to their left and flattened him to the wall on the inside.

"Listen," she said, forcing his face further into the wall. She leaned into the merc's ear, "you're not going to breathe a whisper of this to anyone. You hear that, asshole? Anyone! Not a single soul. Else I come after you and cut you up into a million itty bitty pieces and—"

"Wade."

Penny pulled away, staring at the back of Deadpool's head and asked, "What?"

He shifted so he could turn his face to halfway meet her gaze, "My name. It's Wade, darling."

She blanched. What the hell!? Here, she was, doing her best Natasha Romanoff impression, 'cause she was obviously the best at this sort of ordeal, trying to be intimidating and dangerous and all that jazz, and Deadpool just fucking introduced himself? Like that? What?

She must've repeated the word aloud, because Deadpool continued, "Wade Wilson if you wanna look me up, but if you're looking for my number, I can just give it to you now, love muffin. You got a paper? Nah, you have a super-duper-genius mind cause you're a spider, and that just makes sense, ya dig? Anyway, hot tits, it's—"

"Shut up," Penny said. And she twisted a bit so he could pull a hand up and mimed zipping his lips. "I need to think," she let Deadpool drop against the wall, and she backed up so she was pressed slightly against her couch.

That was when she realized that they were in her apartment. Deadpool, Wade or whatever, was in her home. He needed to leave. Now.

She straightened and said, "We have to leave now. This is someone else's home!" she lied.

And that was when her spidey senses kicked into gear, because she was the queen of coincidence now apparently, and she spun to hear the tumbler in the door move. Her eyes widened underneath the mask and she all but shoved Wade into the nearest closet she could find.

And that's exactly how they ended up stuffed against one another in a tiny closet — hoping her roommate Gwen didn't use this closet for any reason and ruin her ruse.

Wade opened his mouth again, but Penny shifted to cover it with one of her hands. "Shh," she said softly near his face.

Her own face felt too hot under the mask. His hands were still on her ass, squeezing intermittently, and as much as she hated the fact that it was Wade who was doing it, it was actually kind of a turn on…. The fact that big warm hands were massaging her butt cheeks between evein warmer fingers was rather arousing. But why oh why did it have to be with Wade in a closet hiding from her roommate Gwen?

She leaned further away, but he just managed to crowd her further into the wall.

"Wade," she hissed through clenched teeth, "Stop moving so much."

Her hand was still on the merc's mouth, so she felt his lips move when he tried to respond. She removed her hands and had nowhere else to put them except on his his very broad chest that was right there.

"I could say the same to you, baby doll," Wade muttered and Penny was thrown by how deep his tone was when he said it. His voice was deep normally, yes, but this time it was forcibly deep in an almost husky way. That was odd.

Her brows furrowed in confusion and his hands moved, pulling back from her ass to rest on her hips instead. She could handle that, he wasn't groping her anymore and it wasn't like this was a walk in closet where they had all the room in the world. At least it wasn't her ass.

She pressed her shoulders back against the wall fully, and he stepped closer to follow the movement. She sucked in a breath when she looked up and realized how close they actually were. Why couldn't he take the hint and realize that she didn't want him, so he could move on and harass some other girl.

"Penny?" she heard Gwen call throughout the apartment. "You home?"

"Penny? You been holding out on me spider ba—" a hand over his mouth silenced him.

"Shh, whisper you idiot," she said heatedly, standing on her tiptoes in order to get close to eye level to try and intimidate him. Their foreheads almost touched she was so close and furious about this situation. "I'll explain later." she wasn't going to.

She removed her hands for the second time this afternoon and dropped back down on her heels, hoping he'd at least comply with her this one time. At least she _said_ she'd explain and hopefully that was enough for him.

"I'm totally meeting your roommate," he whispered.

'I wonder if she's hot?'

 _I wonder why she lied to us about this being her apartment._

'We want to live with her! Living with spidey….'

 _We'd get our ass kicked day and night._

'Sounds like heaven.'

"Don't you dare," she said in a soft hiss.

She grasped his arm in a vice grip, fingers digging into his skin. It was clear from the singing all up and down his arm she knew how to put the hurt on someone when she had to. But Wade was adamant and curious, two very lethal combinations.

"Nope, I'm gonna meet her," he said about to pull away and burst through the door.

"I swear I'll give you anything you want if you don't walk out that door," she said lowly.

Oops. That particular offer was a little too high. Perhaps if she phrased it better than she wouldn't be in this situation. But panic wasn't exactly something she was an expert at dealing with and she often didn't think things through when put on the spot like this. Was it too late to take it back? There was no doubt that it was.

He was already moving in on her again, a victorious smirk on his face as his hands grabbed her ass once more in order to pull her straight into his muscular chest. Her squeak was muffled into his spandex, but it was a squeak nonetheless that he no doubt heard. How embarrassing. Why must she always find herself in these kinds of situations?

'Anything we want, huh? This could get interesting.'

 _I don't think she meant it like that._

"But I'm taking it like that," he said, voice gritty and low again. "So, what's my little spider gonna give me?" he asked.

"What do you want?" she asked cautiously, removing his very warm hands from her backside, settling them on her hips instead.

"Well," his smirk grew exponentially wider, "I want you on your back, crying out my name as I thrust my—"

"No," she cut through him shortly, not wanting him to finish that sentence for the love of God. "Something that I'd actually agree to, Wade."

 _Something she'd actually agree to? What do we want that's something she'd actually agree to? We can't think of anything._

'What about a kiss from those lips of hers? Like in that first Sam Raimi Spiderwoman movie about her?!'

"Upside down kiss," he said aloud.

"What?" she questioned, confused.

She tried to shift away from him, but his hold was adamant and she would try again if not for her elbow smacking into the wall behind her and making a louder than acceptable noise. She cursed under her breath. Then decided the best way to get some semblance of space between them was to try and push their chests apart which were currently pressed tightly against each other.

"No, no, I meant just a regular kiss. Kissing upside down is like making out with a butt hole. Just nasty," he said. "What do you say, spider babe?"

"We're talking strictly cheekage, right?" she asked, knowing that's all that she can tolerate.

"No, I want lips," he argued. "And tongue."

Her spidey sense could pick up that her roommate's footsteps were approachin, so she placed a gloved finger to his lips to silence him before moving in close to his ear on her tiptoes. The close proximity was needed in order to use her super quiet voice. She had an idea to convey that he would most likely agree to, so she wouldn't have to do something she really _really_ didn't want to. After all, he knew her name and knew where she lived. What more did she have to lose?

"How about I let you see my face instead?" she offered, removing her finger from his lips.

 _Spiderwoman's face? That sounds pretty reasonable considering we haven't seen it before._

'I bet it's hot! She's already got the ten out of ten body.'

"Okay, I want all of your face and your hair. Wait, I wanna touch your hair too. I bet it smells like lavender."

"Fine," she whispered.

She grasped the bottom of her mask and began to pull it up. Penny was rather uncomfortable with it considering Wade's growing excitement about it, but this was the best deal in order to get him to stay put and not meet Gwen. She closed her eyes in order for them not get scratched by the material slipping off her face. With one final tug the mask was off and she was able to toss her sweaty hair free from her sticky neck and face. If anybody told her that masks ventilated well, she'd make them wear one for a week and see what they'd say then.

Now, she opened her eyes curiously, not sure what his reaction to anything would be except to make stupid jokes.

Wade's eyes roamed up and down her oval shaped face from chin, high cheekbones, almond-shaped brown eyes which most would describe as doe-eyes and then to her brown shoulder length hair. He just kept at her face rather greedily.

'See? She's like an angel!'

 _An angel, no. A beautiful woman, yes. We wouldn't kick her out of bed for eating crackers, that's for sure._

He reached over to run his fingers into her thick brown locks. And seeing how she agreed to let him do so, her only response was to close her eyes in acceptance. He'd take that. He leaned forward, curious if her hair indeed smelled like lavender like he guessed. He came in close proximity, feeling her warmth against his masked face and took a big whiff of her hair near her temple. Wade felt Penny stiffen against him, but hell he rarely got this close to her with permission, so he wasn't about to pull away. He discovered that she didn't smell like lavender per se, but vanilla. And from all the sweat it was pretty strong and invaded his nostrils pretty quickly.

"I just came," he deadpanned.

"What?" her eyes widened in horror.

Talk about premature ejactulation and really weird things that happen in a closet. Immediately, upon reflex she pushed him away. Like hell she was going to let someone, who just came in their pants touch her. Unfortunately, his back bumped into the door rather loudly, causing a loud thud. Oops. Well, shit, she was screwed.

"Penny? Is that you?" she heard Gwen call. Both of them tensed for a prolonged moment, waiting to see if the blonde would make any move to come to the closet. But Penny didn't detect anything with her spidey sense, it actually sounded like her roommate's voice was coming from her room.

"I was kidding. Calm down, spider babe," Wade said, laughing softly at her expression. "But I can't be the only one with a boner right now."

She didn't know if he was still joking or not, but she tried her best to curb the impulse of checking his crotch for an evident tent. Boners were fairly easy to spot through regular pants, but through spandex… you might as well not even bother in trying to hide it. But this scenario wasn't exactly fun for the person who had to deal with someone who was sporting a supposed erection.

"Well, seeing as you're the only one in here with a dick, I'd say so," she grumbled softly, planning to put her mask back on.

But he grabbed her mask from her hand and chucked it into the corner of the closet. Obviously, he preferred looking at her face opposed to the mask that only outlined that pretty face. He received a highly irritated glare, but she didn't go to pick it up. Worth it.

"I like your face better," he said.

"Alright," she said, "it's time for you to go. It sounds like my roommate is in her room. You can leave now."

"But—"

"Nope, I said, you're leaving," she said.

She grabbed his wrist and opened the door slowly, not wanting to make a sound. She avoided the squeaky floorboards and tugged the surprisingly quiet merc with a mouth forward towards the door. Maybe, just maybe they'd make a clean break and wouldn't have to introduce Wade to Gwen. Her free hand clasped the doorknob, planning to twist it open.

"Alright, Penny, I guess I'll kiss you goodnight since you're particularly _begging_ for it," Wade said loudly towards the bedrooms.

'We're such an asshole! Hehe!'

 _We're definitely going to get punched for pulling this crap._

Her eyes widened in absolute horror. She knew Gwen heard that. How could she not? She delivered a devastating punch his guts to which he folded like an itty bitty baby to her super strength. She then yanked the door open quickly, and tried to shove him through the door with quite some difficulty since he didn't want to go.

"Penny, did you bring a guy home?" she heard Gwen call. "I wanna meet him!"

"You're gonna pay for this later, you ass," she hissed. "Now, get out of my apartment."

"Oh come on, babe, I—"

She slammed the door shut right in his face, her strength and her desperation to get him out was superior to his. She locked the door, turned around and slid down the door with a loud sigh. Her stress levels were skyrocketing and it didn't help when her best friend finally entered the room.

"Hey, where did he go?" she pouted. "I wanted to see the guy you were with. He sounded cute."

"He is not. He's a pain in the ass," she said. "I'm going to bed. Goodnight."

"It's 4:00 in the afternoon," she said, giving her a weird look.

"Tiredness doesn't have a clock," she mumbled. "Bed time for me."

 **Author's Note: I know a couple of you asked in the reviews what Penny looks like. In my mind, I picture her looking like a young Carrie Fisher. For those who don't know who Carrie Fisher is, she's the woman who plays Princess Leia in the original trilogy. She has all the features I figure Penny to look like: brown hair, brown eyes, adorable, young. The only exception is Penny would be more muscular than Fisher.**


	3. You Risk All of Your Parts

**ImAnnieB: Yeah, I'm not really one to write long chapters normally, but that might change depending how long this chapter is. Oh, and I haven't played the Deadpool game yet, but I might consider it even if the combat feels like it drags. But I can overlook that though since Deadpool always keeps me entertained. Gosh, I hope they make a sequel.**

 **Chapter Three: You Risk All of Your Parts**

It was warm, so warm that the sunshine melted on her body and covered her in its glorious love. She turned on her side and pulled the warmth closer as she was surrounded with the gentle serenity of pounding waves. She let out a sigh as she could practically feel the cool sand between her toes.

"Penny?" she heard a voice speak her name near her ear. It was deep and pleasant, making her toes curl at the sound and squeeze the mass of warmth closer to her out of reflex.

"Harry?" she asked sleepily, wondering why her childhood friend was on this hot empty beach with her.

Her eyes blinked open slowly. Her vision blurred before focusing on the dark outline of someone in her room. Specifically her bed. With his arms wrapped around her back, pulling her into his chest. And that was about when she kind of freaked out. She screamed loudly out of fear, scrambling off his torso, and smashing her forehead into his in an attempt to get him away. He tumbled to the floor in a heap and she quickly turned her lamp on to see who her bed intruder was.

"Ow…," she heard his voice from the floor.

"Wilson," she sighed in complete irritation, "every time you show up like this you risk all of your parts, you know that?" she asked seriously, running a hand through her hair.

 _Perhaps we shouldn't scare her in her sleep like some kind of pervert._

'Damn, her head is hard. What does she do? Smash her face into brick walls for fun?'

"Damn, spidey," he said, rubbing his swollen temple, "remind me to strap you down, you violent crazy."

She pulled her covers over her body properly not wanting him to see her without a bra or a pair of pants on. In actuality, she really really didn't want him to see anything she wasn't particularly comfortable with. He wasn't her boyfriend after all, so he didn't get to see her in her underwear or the outline of her nipples through her night shirt. Nope, not acceptable.

"Get out," she told him.

"You know I wouldn't be here unless I— are you wearing bra?"

'I wanna see nipple!'

 _If we try something she'll beat us senseless. She looks pretty pissed right now._

"Get out or I will drop you out head first," she said, voice and face equally serious.

She saw his face set and lean closer to hers. When his masked face came mere centimeters from hers her brows furrowed in warning. But as her head hit the headboard behind her softly she realized that she wasn't exactly standing her ground properly. She mentally cursed at the look of victory on his face, thinking he intimidated her. She gritted her teeth in irritation; she knew she wasn't intimidated by him not even in the slightest. She was Spiderwoman for crying out loud.

"You want me," he smirked confidently.

Oh.

She scoffed, knowing exactly how to deal with this behavior. "As if. Now, get out of my room," she said simply.

"What?"

"You need to leave while I change," she told him.

She might as well forget about going back to sleep. It was already 10:00 in the morning and she had things to do. She was just lucky that Gwen was at her parents house for the long weekend because she knew she wouldn't be the only one awake from all the commotion. These walls were super thin and you could hear just about everything through them. Penny couldn't even describe the relief she felt when her roommate made the wonderful decision to sleep over at her boyfriend's apartment instead of the other way around. Ugh….

"I don't—"

"If you don't want me to drop you like a ton of bricks step into the other room and close the door," she smiled.

'Give up seeing a naked Spidey? Hell no!'

 _It would be rather… **arousing** to see her unclothed. But perhaps we shouldn't and gain her trust._

'No! Tits! Tits! We wanna see tits!'

"Tits," he actually said aloud, eyes boring on her blanket and t-shirt clad chest.

"Excuse me?" she inquired.

"Nothing, sugar tits," he said. "Leaving the room now." Wade walked over to the door and before he closed the door repeated under his breath, "Tits."

The brunette shook her head and ignored it. He always said weird sexual things and this was no exception. She just didn't figure he'd say body parts he found sexy under his breath and to himself. Perhaps he's going crazier than he already is or he just needs to get laid. But whatever his issue was she just sighed and leant over to the side to get some clothes from her bedside table.

When he heard her heavy shirt drop to the wooden floor through her door he let out an almost pained sigh. He wondered if he could even stop himself looking at her bare chest and try what would surely be an unsuccessful motorboat attempt. He wondered if her skin would be as soft as her hair and smell just as nice….

'The… urge… to… motorboat… so… strong… right now.'

 _I bet those breasts are just sitting out in the open ready for our face and hands…. But it's a suicide mission._

"Can't resist any longer. Going for it!" he said.

Wade threw open the door, seeing Penny adjust her bra properly on her chest. Her breasts may have been covered up, but a simple bra over them didn't damper his mood at all. He hadn't seen that much skin from before, so he went for it. But before his hands even clamped down on them a hard fist connected to his face and stopped him entirely. That particularly nasty punch threw him back into the wall across the room with an almost fatal thud.

"No peeping, you pervert!" she said, voice rising in pitch.

"W-worth it," he managed to get out face down with blood filling in his mouth up.

She quickly finished undressing and redressing for fear of more peeping and groping attempts from him. When she was done and out of bed Deadpool got to his feet unsteadily. She glared at him and exited her room without a word since she didn't really have anything to say to him. He followed her with a full on smirk through his mask.

'I'd say we got off pretty easy!'

 _She knocked out five of our teeth and cracked the back of our head which only now stopped bleeding…. Yeah, we got off easy._

"Don't do that again," she said, turning to face him so quickly that her hair nearly hit his masked face. "If you ever peep on me again I'm gonna send you a bag of tacos."

"Ooh, I like tacos!" he said excitedly, clapping his gloved hands together.

"And shove 'em up your ass," she explained, smiling at the expression outlined through his mask.

"Ooh, I don't like tacos now," he said.

Despite her determination to keep a serious face she cracked up a bit at his words and expression. And of course this doesn't go unnoticed by the guy that tried to get a little peep show just a few moments ago.

"You think I'm funny," he grinned. "You like me."

"Oh shut up," she sighed. "I'm making breakfast."

"Oooooooooh!" he exclaimed excitedly as she turned to the kitchen area. "I love the smell of pancakes in the morning. Move!"

"Oof!" Penny exclaimed when he pushed her back into a chair in his beeline to the kitchen to search for batter. She blinked hard for a moment at him before saying sarcastic, "Boy do you know how to treat a lady."

 _Yes, I don't think pushing her was a smart move._

'Shut up, we're being dapper.'

"Of course, I'm a perfectly perfect gentleman," he announced. "I'm making my lady pancakes after all."

"Your lady my ass," she scoffed.

She rolled her eyes at him. He was being way too ridiculous. Shoving people and always claiming she was his girlfriend. But then again having pancakes made for you is pretty nice, so it could be worse. He could be trying to go at her chest again, but that means she'd get punch him again and he'd shut up for a short time after all. Hmm. Decisions, decisions.

"Yeah, your ass," he said almost dreamily flipping the batter in the pan. "Such a beautiful ass." he sounded as if he might cry. "Spandex now. I need spandex on that ass!"

"No," she said irritatedly. "And you shouldn't be staring at my ass all the time."

"You stare at mine, sweet cheeks," he smirked, wiggling his mask covered brows.

She stiffened, wondering if she should just deny it or go along with it. If she said that she didn't then he wouldn't let it go and pester her for however long. If she said she did then she didn't particularly know what would happen. Might as well be honest. Muscular men usually had nice asses. That's just how it was and Wade did indeed have muscles. Then put spandex over that ass and it was highlighted so nicely.

"It's not important."

She rolled her eyes, putting her legs across the armrest lazily. She was surprised she didn't put more of a bite to it. She must be tired still even when she was scared shitless from her wake up call. But maybe she was figuring out that not responding to his bullshit worked better. Usually.

'She totally wants us!'

 _Well, she does like our buttocks._

"We do have a great ass. It's a start!" he cheered out loud. "So… Pen-Pen, who's that Harry guy you were saying in your sleep?" he saw her visibly stiffened. "You aren't fucking another guy in your dreams are you?"

Her face went bright red in embarrassment. He heard her say her complicated friend's name out loud in her sleep? It seemed so. But she didn't really remember her dream after waking up seeing as some dreams just leave your mind and you can't remember it no matter how hard you try. But it wasn't as if she hadn't had dreams of him whether they be nightmares about him betraying her and attacking her or fairly naughty dreams about him trying to get her to 'forgive' him. But either way it wasn't really his business.

"So what if I am? What's it to you?" she asked, trying to get the blush on her face to die down.

She heard the spatula smack against the counter and before she knew it his face was mere inches from hers with his muscular arms caging her. Her brows furrowed in confusion as to why he thought it was a wonderful idea to get up close and get in her face. Last time, just a few minutes ago, she punched him for getting that close, but then again he was being highly inappropriately sexual too. Obviously, Deadpool didn't understand boundaries when it came to people, especially women.

"But you're my girl," he said. "My girlfriend that abuses me, doesn't sleep with me, or want to be anywhere near me. Sounds like my kind of girlfriend!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? We're not dating." she said incredulously. "We're just partners."

"Domestic partners!"

'I bet you ten bucks that she'll agree to it.'

 _There's no betting money. We're voices in our head… but make it thirty that she won't._

"Hell no," she said.

 _Pay up._

"And your pancakes are burning."

"OH NO!" he squealed.

He rushed towards the stove and flipped the pancake onto a plate, gasping in relief as if he'd saved someone from a burning building opposed to saving a simple breakfast dish. Penny shook her head with a small snort of incredulity. She was not looking forward to the dishes she had to do as she watched the plates and pancakes pile up on many plates. She looked over to the sink that was already stacked high.

"Crap…," she sighed.

She got up and moved over to the stack of very much hated stack of dishes. She turned on the water, waiting for it to get hot as she stood beside Wade with her arm under the faucet.

 _She's willingly standing next to us without punching us or glaring?_

'Pinch us we must be dreaming!'

 _We might scare her off. Don't. Do. Anything. Weird._

Wade swallowed, nervousness sinking in because of the voices in his head telling him how important this was. Don't do anything weird, don't do anything weird, was the mantra that repeated in his head as he glanced over at the woman scrubbing the dishes with a rag.

Suddenly, Penny felt a tongue drag up the side of her face, leaving a trail of saliva in its wake. She jumped nearly a foot in the air and screamed shortly in both disgust and surprise. If she wanted to get licked on the face she would have a dog.

"What the fuck?!" she exclaimed, smacking him on the arm pretty hard.

'Ow! She's so brutal!'

 _Well, we definitely scared her and pissed her off. Why did we lick her face?_

"Oh come on, baby," he teased. "Never been licked by a dude. Oh, you've been missing out. You need a real man that'll lick your pus—"

"Shut up, Wilson," she said, picking up a dry towel to wipe her face not wanting him to finish that sentence. "Don't ever do that again. That's disgusting."

Why he licked her of all things she had no clue and she didn't care as long he didn't do that again. She swore he was getting weirder and weirder by the second and she wasn't looking forward to his new and weirder methods of flirting. If she had to keep punching him to fend him off she swore her knuckles would turn raw.

"Don't knock it 'till you try it," he said flipping his pancake. "Come on, don't be mad, babe. Lick my face."

He leant in actually wanting her to pull a Miley Cyrus and lick up the side of his face. He knew having Penny's tongue on him, even if it was just his cheek, would feel so good he might actually cum in his pants. Hell yeah, he wanted her to lick him.

"No," she said, backing up to put some space between them.

"Oh come on, babe," he said. "It's only fair."

Every step he took forward she took one back. She didn't like him in her personal space and had to put some much needed distance between them before she got all punchy again. But Wade was not taking the hint.

"I didn't ask you to lick me," she said. "Back up, Wilson."

'Lick us! Lick us! Lick us!'

 _That would be **lovely**. Lick us._

"Wade," he corrected. "Lick me, Pen-Pen. I want your tongue on me. Tongue me, beautiful." he grinned hugely underneath his mask.

"No," she scoffed, her back hit the wall behind her softly. Now she felt trapped between him and the wall. Crap…. "Stop."

His hands caged her head, grin growing largely. He watched as her eyes widened marginally on her pale face. He was playing, but he could see that she severely disliked having her personal space invaded. He wasn't going to force himself on her or anything he wasn't a monster, but he was going to tease her and see how far he could get without her punching him across the face. Maybe he would get licked across the face and other places if the was lucky.

"Oh come on, just one lick," he teased, sticking the side of his face near her lips.

"No stop it," she said, trying to keep the laugh threatening to escape her at his ridiculousness.

She meant meant to just shove him a little just to gain some space, but instead she knocked him backwards. And well, that wasn't the end of that. He grabbed her arm out of reflex and she fell to the floor with him. They both grunted in pain as his back smacked against the hardwood floor and her chest smacked against his. It knocked the wind out of the both of them.

"Ow, ow…," she whined with a small stress filled laugh with her face buried on his shoulder, trying to regain her breath.

"Tell me about it," he groaned, "studette."

 _Maybe we should stand up. We can't breathe with her on top of us._

'Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! We have tits against us!'

He shivered at the feel of her warm breath against his spandex covered neck. He shifted a little underneath her to be able to breathe a little better and distract himself from the interest his cock had in at the feel of her feminine body pressed against him like that. He liked the feel of her breasts against his chest a little too much. And by a little too much….

"What the hell is poking— WILSON!" she yelled angrily.

She punched him right across the face before jumping off of him quickly. Now she felt like she needed a shower she felt so dirty. She didn't enjoy being sexually 'pursued' liked that. It wasn't fun and it was just creepy to begin with to her. In her opinion, a guy shouldn't have his private parts rubbing up against her unless she was dating them or gave any indication that she wanted it. If not, back off.

"Ow," he whined, thinking she broke him. "You're so mean to me!"

"Well, you're so pervy to me," she shot back.

She walked back over to the pancakes and took a plateful, silverware, and a bottle of syrup. She sat it down on her small circular table. She looked down at the rounded fluffy cake on her plate and then to Wade on the floor pouting hugely. He did make her breakfast after all. She sighed. She supposed she _should_ be a little nicer.

"Thanks for the pancakes," she admonished.

'Yea! She doesn't hate us! Let's kiss her!'

 _No, she'll beat us senseless._

"Spidey! Kissing time! I want tongue!" he shouted.

"No!" she shouted, foot connecting with his throat to keep him at bay as she took a bite of her pancake.

"Please," he whined. "Just one peck, my little spiderella."

X

Penny was out on the town in her usual casual street clothes with the exception of a hoodie and a camera around her neck. The other night on the rare occasion she had some down time she'd did some research on the web and found out where the two men's hideout that she and her 'partner' were to track down and kill. The more she thought about Fury really was a closet genius. He knew she lived in New York where the their targets were, and he knew Wade wouldn't take issue with the killing that she definitely had an issue with. He wasn't the director for nothing she supposed.

She put those thoughts aside as she lifted the camera resting against her chest to take pictures at different angles of the building. Her hood was up to obsure her appearance even though there were billions in the world that had her features: brown hair and brown eyes weren't exactly rare, but she knew she needed to be cautious around a high level security building.

And that was why she frowned and exhaled deeply when her spidey sense tingled letting her know that someone was hanging around and watching her. "It's broad day light. You really shouldn't even be _attempting_ the stealth thing. Show yourself," she said. She turned around and saw none other than her 'partner' she had breakfast with this morning. Why was she not surprised?

"You know that spidey sense of yours is freaking amazing," he said, walking up beside her. She told him to hush harshly to which he ignored vehemently and continued to say. "Is that the only thing about you that tingles?" he teased flirtatiously.

'Haha… clitoris.'

 _A woman's best friend._

Penny groaned.

That was an uncommonly bad pick-up line referring to one of her super powers. Sure whenever she saved some guys that thought they were real comedians hit on her usually referring to spiders since she was indeed called Spiderwoman and all. But comparing her spidey sense to her clitoris because they both tingle was… creatively bad.

"Do you even understand the word tact?" she asked, walking towards across the street to get a look at another part of the building to take a picture of it at a decent distance.

"If I didn't understand tact then how else would I know that a security guard from that scary building you've been snapping pictures of is coming this way?" he said slyly.

Her eyes widened, looking over to where he was gesturing to see that indeed a man with a bluetooth device in his ear, a walkie talkie, and a big coat most likely packing heat. She didn't know if she or Deadpool was the one to attract this kind of attention; she was the one snapping photos, but he was the one in a bright red consume covering him head to toe. Both of them could be considered conspicuous.

But like the genius she was she came up with a solution real easy. With a curse of deep irritation she grasped the arm of her 'partner' and dragged him in front of her. Maybe a little harder than needed to be considering he stumbled and spluttered a little, but she knew he was fine.

"Quick, act like your posing for pictures," she said.

'Aw, Spidey thinks we're pretty. We should totally strip tease her. Free lap dances for the highest bidder!'

 _If we pull that none sense our ass is grass and she's going to mow it._

Despite this he struck a pose as if he was indeed a well paid pornstar in front of her camera. He couldn't see the look on her face, but she did indeed snap the picture. And that was about when the security guard for that most certainly pricy building came over to them.

"What are you doing?"

Not even a hello or an introduction just a 'what are you doing'. He definitely meant buisiness… and lacked proper manners. Either way, Penny put her camera's long strap around her neck and let it rest against her stomach and faced the security guy.

"Taking pictures for this guy," she said straightforwardly.

"Really now?" he said suspiciously, eyeing the both of them. "I could've sworn you were talking pictures of that building."

Before she answered she felt a meaty arm wrap around her shoulders and pull her into an equally as meaty chest. Normally, she would've pushed him off and told him to mind her personal space, but to curved that impulse and settled for a glare. They had to at least _try_ to make it look as if they were friends enough that she'd take pictures of him.

"My little lady friend here just loves to take pictures… especially of me when I cosplay as her favorite boy toy," he said. He turned toward her with a shit eating grin. "You just can't get enough of this sexy piece of ass can you?"

"I put up with you," she said truthfully.

Deadpool pouted prominently down at her as if he'd been truly offended and Penny simply rolled her eyes amusedly in response to his antics.

"Fine, but don't take pictures of your boyfriend in front of the building alright?" the security guard said as he walked away.

Penny was about to shout that he wasn't boyfriend, but a red gloved hand clapped over her mouth to keep her from doing so. Her brown eyes flicked up to his shit eating grin outlined by his mask and easily removed his hand. Then the tension slowly melted from her shoulders at the source of her stress disappearing.

"Jeez, that could've been so bad. So tense," she sighed, definitely resigning from this seeing as she figured she'd gotten enough pictures.

 _Well, our mind can think of many things that would definitely make her body turn to jello._

'Like painkillers?'

 _So innocent…._

"Sure you don't want some help with that?" he said, wiggling his brows at her.

She gave him a look for that.

"No, you perv," she said.

"Jeez, I meant a shoulder massage. Who's the pervert now?"

"You."

Another pout spread across his masked face. Even if it was indeed true it didn't mean he wasn't going to ham it up and continue to play around with her. Messing with her and trying to befriend/date the superhero was quite amusing?

 **Author's Note: Wow, I didn't expect so many followers and favorites. Thank you.**


	4. Say You Like Eating Carpet

**ImAnnieB: I'd do Deadpool just to see how it was and to say I did it. Plus, I feel like he'd be a decent lay from decent experience and what not. Oh and if you want to check out my fem!Tony fic you'll probably laugh a lot (for some unknown reason my humor has been so on point lately). And I do recommend creating your own account; it's so much easier to manage all the stories you read and know exactly when someone updates it.**

 **Chapter Four: Say You Like Eating Carpet**

The last few days for Penny were… _infuriating_. Wade followed her home, followed her to school, followed her grocery shopping, followed her when she did her crime fighting. It was irritating, her patience was running thin, and she knew she wouldn't be able to take it much longer before going crazy. Why he was so obsessively interested in her like some kind of a sexual predator was beyond her. She was pretty adamant about not having sex with him or being his girlfriend or _whatever_ he wanted. But Wade was sure as hell set on it.

"Penny! Hey! Penny! Hey! Hey! Penny!"

She felt her brow twitching on her forehead, demonstrating how annoyed she really was. She saw none other than her 'partner' Deadpool at her school. He was trying to get her attention while she and her lab partner Britney were discussing the assignment they divided up. Her face heated up in both embarrassment and anger.

"Do you… know that guy?" Britney asked and the look on her face clearly stated she wasn't impressed whatsoever.

"Probably another Penny," the brunette said, trying to brush it off even though she knew that obviously wasn't true.

"I don't think so," Britney said. "He's running right at us and your name _is_ Penny."

She looked back at Wade and stiffened considerably, preparing for impact since the idiot wasn't slowing down. Might as well endure his bone crushing hug, he'd just chase her until he caught her anyway. She grunted in both frustration and a little bit of discomfort when he brought her into a huge muscly spandex filled hug. She wasn't amused. Especially when he pulled her from the ground easily and started spinning her around with his foot popped.

"Oh Penny, you beautiful little schoolgirl, I just couldn't stay away!"

"Uh, should I call campus security?" Britney asked.

Then when she was out shopping for groceries, it was her turn this week after all, her spider senses tingled something awful. It let her know quite clearly she wasn't seeing things as she saw a patch of red spandex out of the corner of her eye. A groan of pure frustration escaped her again when the merc with the mouth just couldn't go around the stacks of apples, bananas, and oranges like a sane person.

"Pennnnnnnnnnyyyyyy! Oof!"

The fruit spilled everywhere, exploding all over the floor when he rammed into it like he hadn't had years of training and expierence as a mercenary. Thankfully, her heightened reflexes allowed her to push her cart to safety and she was about to climb into it to ride off and away, but a hand grabbed her ankle and yanked her to the floor. She slammed down to the tiles. Fruit was all over her clothing and skin now thanks to him.

"Ugh!" she grunted.

"Gotcha, my little spider cider," she heard from behind her amongst the ruined fruit and could see a huge smile through his mask.

She went home after a long day, hoping he wouldn't be there, but….

A loud snore boomed throughout the entirety of the bedroom, probably alerting every neighbor she had. It practically shook the entire apartment. Brown eyes narrowed sharply at the sound and the body on her _bed_. Rarely, did she have anyone come in contact with her bed let alone a dude who wanted to sleep with her in both senses of the word. Yet Wade didn't see it as a boundary, but simply as an invitation.

"Mmmmm… Penny… hhhhmmmmm, Penny's boobs," he said in his sleep, pulling _her_ pillow in towards his face, snuggling it.

A hand smacked him in the back of the head, waking him up abruptly and almost violently. He looked up and saw none other than the woman he was dreaming about's heavily irritated face. If looks could kill he'd be six feet under. Her arms were crossed and she looked as if she'd punch him again — this time through a wall.

'Oh god, she's pissed.'

 _Do you blame her? We were sleeping in her bed like we share it._

'But it smells like her.'

 _It was creepy when Twilight did it and it's still creepy now._

"Why are you sleeping in my bed?" she asked, tapping her foot impatiently against the floor.

"The real question is why aren't _you_ in bed with _me_?" he asked, wiggling his brows while he leaned on his side towards her as to properly display his curves to her.

'Come on writer, give us some action! We're sexy as hell right now. How can she resist?'

She rolled her eyes, trying not to laugh in spite of herself. "Come on, Wilson, get out of my bed. I'm getting real sick of your crap lately. You ruined my favorite t-shirt today and pay quite a bit for a crap ton of ruined fruit."

If push came to shove she'd chuck him out the window. She knew she was physically stronger than him and could definitely pick him up even if she was about a foot shorter than him. But hopefully, _hopefully_ for once Deadpool would be cooperative with her. But she wasn't going to hold her breath.

"Try and stop me if you can, you sexy little— argh!"

In a blur of motion she grabbed his wrist, yanked him up, twisted his arm behind his back, and slammed him to the ground. He cried out softly again at being effectively pinned. It was clear she wasn't playing around anymore.

'This isn't the _action_ we were talking about.'

"Now, are you going to stop following me around everyday?" she said, pulling his head back by his mask with a wild look in her eyes.

'Holy shit!'

 _Is she going to actually kill us?_

"Yes!" he gasped in surprise.

She pushed his face against the floor harshly again, hearing him groan in response. He struggled underneath her, but her hold was adamant. He was surprised that Penny was doing this and not so surprisingly he was getting aroused from her on top of him holding him down. It didn't take a whole lot to arouse him like this.

"You like eating brown carpet, tough guy?!" she said.

"Yes!" he cried out again when she twisted his arm behind his back a little harder.

'This is kinda hot.'

 _I don't even want to know why being held down and getting our face smashed to the floor with her on top of us is arousing. Oh wait, that's so obvious._

Just a couple feet away, Gwen unlocked the door and entered the apartment. When she came in she didn't expect to hear loud thumps, and cries from her roommate's bedroom. She could hear everything the walls were so thin.

"Penny? Are you okay?" she asked, approaching the door, thinking perhaps her super powered friend was in the middle of a fight.

And then she heard:

"Say you like eating brown carpet!"

"I like eating brown carpet!"

It made her stop entirely. She didn't need to hear anymore to know _exactly_ what was going on. She just wished Penny put some kind of note on the door to warn her about her _activities_. For crying out loud they learned that the first week of college when they lived in dorms. Either way, she'd definitely come back later; there was no way she'd not hear it from any part of the apartment… building.

Just a few minutes later the two of them were sitting on the floor with about a foot or two between them. The both of them were far more relaxed than before. Although, it was quite obvious that Penny was still pissed and Deadpool wasn't sure how to approach the young woman.

"You're a bit of a psycho Pen-Pen."

Of course the merc with a mouth was the first to break the ice. She may be sick of his intense desire to be apart of every aspect of her life to convince her to let him get in her pants and all the damn talking, but the previous awkward silence was indeed suffocating. She let out a long sigh.

"You bring out the psycho in people. Hopefully you learned your lesson."

"Nope, my beautiful little spider," he said.

Her scowl would make most criminals shit their pants from its intensity, but Deadpool only crowned. For extra measure, she smashed her forehead into his and looked as if she was going to explode with rage. He flinched in both fear and shock. He didn't think the hero would ever have her face this close to his especially being this angry with him.

"Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up," she growled between grit teeth.

"You need your space. S'cool, I get it. I come on pretty strong," he sniffed, playing it up as if he was going to cry. "Not because I like you or anything."

She didn't let up. She hoped to God he was serious about leaving her alone because good God she could no longer put up with his stalker schtick any longer. He most definitely must be a virgin because how on Earth could he hook up with women or men by following them around and using shitty pick up lines. She needed her space and if she didn't get it she was most likely going to resort to something drastic.

With that the mercernary was gone and out of her window. When he left she dropped face first to the floor with a loud sigh. Good lord, she hoped he was serious because she was so very sick of him and his mouthy self.

X

'Scale of one to ten, how much do we suck at picking up women?'

 _Negative infinity._

'Are we giving up on Spidey?'

"Nah, she just needs space, right?" he said aloud, sounding very uncertain about his own words.

'We're like drugs.'

"We're addictive?"

 _No, you OD and die._

'Bingo.'

His selfesteem was at an all time low. Hating on himself for laughs for no one was a pretty low point for the merc with the mouth. Sure, the guy's been rejected countless times by women and men alike, but normally it was either for a quick one night stand or as a joke considering when people saw his face they usually tucked tail and ran. That did an even bigger number on his self image than getting rejected. But, of course, anyone who understands psychology in the broadest sense would tell you that lack of confidence often manifests into extreme over confidence to make up for it.

But he hoped he could _at least_ befriend the webhead. But nope. She was annoyed his constant attempts at flirting and hooking up with, not to mention she found his morals disturbing and unforgivable. As much as he liked Dear Penelope the whole 'hero' thing wasn't his scene. His mind was a mess, he took no umbridge with killing people, and he wasn't exactly the typical beautiful panty dropper that guys wish they were. He felt he was a real lady's man before the cancer and Weapon X Program fucked everything up.

'Come on writer, no one likes Emo Deadpool. Do something funny already!'

"Fine, let's go to the strip club."

'Alright, now that's more like it! Let's find some brunettes… with super strength…. No reason at all!'

 _We're going to need some quarters tonight._

"Quarters?"

'We'll plop them in their g-strings.'

…

"Wow, that's the first time I've seen you smile all week," Gwen commented. "Was the sex that good?"

Penny spluttered and the milk she was previously drinking sprayed from her mouth like a fountain. She coughed in disbelief at her friend thinking she had sex with someone lately. How did she come to that conclusion? Occasionally, when she brought someone over to their apartment they didn't go into the bedroom for _activities_. And she hadn't done that as of late.

"What?" she asked hoarsely.

"Don't be embarassed. I heard you in your room thumping around with a guy," Gwen said playfully.

"Thumping arou— oh!" she exclaimed when realization dawned on her. "Yeah, um, the guy was real kinky. It was super fun. He wanted to be punished and everything."

She didn't like lying to Gwen, but it was best if the blonde stayed as far away from Deadpool as possible. The guy was unstable and drove everyone around him crazy. It definitely wore on her. She was so glad the guy decided to take a hint and leave her the hell alone. She couldn't imagine Wade Wilson getting a little crush Gwen too and harassing the hell out of her. Penny wouldn't do that to her friend.

"I could tell," Gwen laughed softly. "I hope you had fun."

Pinning her annoying 'partner' to the floor and slamming his head to the ground repeatedly in an attempt to get him to do what she wanted was quite refreshing. Yeah, she had fun.

Later that day, Penny was at the Daily Begule with new pictures of Spiderwoman. She swore Jameson was kind of an idiot. Only someone who was either Spiderwoman herself or friends with her would be able to get shots like that of the superhero. But hey, she wasn't complaining she got to take pictures and was paid for it.

She walked in, pulled out a set of photos from her backpack/purse, and set it down on Jameson's desk. The hopeful smile slipped from her face as he kept making distasteful noises at each photo he looked at. She barely refrained from sighing in disappointment. Really? This guy always crapped on her photos and her other persona to either make her feel like her pictures are less than their actual worth or to make headlines about Spiderwoman being this insane vigilante. Wonderful. This guy knows how to take someone's selfesteem and throw it right into the crapper.

"All of its crap like usual, Parker," he said. "I'll give you $200 for them."

"But that's ten high in demand photos!" she protested incredulously.

"$250 then. It's not like you've got a 9:00 to 5:00 job you've—"

CRASH!

Suddenly, the wall a hundred feet behind them blew out, littering bricks, dry wall, rubble all over the office.

People screamed, fled, and were losing their minds in a panic. Except for Penny that is. She sighed heavily, breath brushing up stray hairs up in the air. Her spidey sense let her know who exactly was behind and wreaking havoc upon the Daily Begule. And she was not amused at the interruption.

"I have a job," she said under her breath.

Penny walked over to whom she recognized as one of Lizard's human experiments he deemed a failure and blocked him from terrorizing poor pencil pusher Perry squealing in fear.

"Hey," she said. "You're new around here, so let me tell you how it works around here. That's the line to get a newspaper and this line is for getting your face punched in."

She took a swing at him, knocking him back a good bit as her coworkers collectively gasped in surprise. But then it was Penny's turn to gasp in surprise when, as she liked to call him, Diet Lizard retaliated with an upper cut. She grunted in pain as she went up in the air and landed on Jameson's desk and rolled off it.

"Parker! Are you insane?!" her boss hissed.

"Probably," she said truthfully.

She army crawled across the rubble as Diet Lizard continued to roar and tear through more of the interior. Once behind a long piece of dry wall and once behind there, like a firefighter, she changed into her Spiderwoman costume she kept in her backpack. It was time to kick some ass and save some lives.

She pulled her mask over her face and attached a web to the ceiling above Diet Lizard. Then she retracted her web, sending her into the air and towards the huge scaly creature. She landed a hard kick to his face and knocked him out of the building. Loud gasps left the people behind her before she detached her web and took off down the building as if she was skydiving.

"And I thought I was the stubborn one," she said, looking down the building she was stuck to. Diet Lizard's claws were embedded viciously into the side of the building. He was quite the resilient reptile. "Well, Freak of the Week, it's time we see who's more stubborn."

Diet Lizard roared in anger. Spiderwoman rolled her eyes at his generic response before dropping down right above him. Her two feet landed on his face so hard that his claws immediately gave way. The two of them began to fall at a fast rate of speed. And she knew she needed to do something quickly otherwise the both of them would be grease spots on the concrete below. Quickly, she shot a web to the building right beside her, causing her to stop falling with a jolt. Then with her other hand she shot another web to Diet Lizard's chest a second before he smacked the pavement.

She sighed in relief.

"I think this is the only time I wish I had eight arms right about now," she muttered under her breath.

She hopped down and quickly wrapped her webs around Diet Lizard as he squirmed and roared in protest. "Yeah, yeah, I get it big guy. Shush now, you're going back to the big house," she muttered. Just as she heard the police sirens blaring loudly and approaching she finished up. Then she slipped on her backpack, attached a web into the air and retracted it to send up her up in the air to avoid the authorities and websling across the city.

 **AN: I was actually laughing out loud at this chapter. I hope the rest of you did too.**


	5. So Tsundere Right Now

**ImAnnieB: No need to apologize, your enthusiasm is awesome. I think it's great that you like my fem!Tony fic, writing for it is just as fun as writing for this fic.** **And yes, I did see Deadpool with my mom and my sister — who know little to nothing about Deadpool by the way — and they were cracking up almost the entire time. The movie didn't pull any punches and it was refreshing change from the typical superhero movie formula. Oh and Ryan Reynolds definitely made up for his original God awful performance (I blame the studio for that though) in this movie. I can't wait for the sequel; I hear there's going to be Cable in it. Prefect comedic foil for Deadpool and I can't wait to see it!**

 **Chapter Five: So Tsundere Right Now**

"Hello, Wade Wilson speaking~!" he practically sang into the receiver of his phone. "Man of the house! Only person in the house actually. And now that I think about it I'm not even in a house. It's an ap—"

She cut right through his words like a knife. "Meet me at 11:00 tonight at the Schmidt's HQ."

'Penny! That's Penny's voice!'

 _How did she get our number? And is she really calling us?_

'Oh how familiar that angry voice of hers sounds. Do you think she'll do phone sex?'

"Oh, why if it isn't our dear little Penelope. Let me guess, you've spent some time away from this sweet piece of ass and you realized you want me back. Well, you know what you missed your chance. You're not getting this lovely package back," he said.

At the other end of the phone Penny closed her eyes briefly in frustration. All the ill will she had for her 'partner' was cropping back up. But if this was going to go well then they needed to at least _try_ to get along.

"Wilson," she began.

"Okay, fine, you wore me down! Dammit, you know I can't say no to you. I'll take you back," he exclaimed excitedly. "Now, tell me what you're wearing."

"A tinfoil hat with a year's supply of horse radish," she said sarcastically. "But seriously though, meet me like I asked you to. Let's put this thing to bed."

 _We suppose the plot needs to get rolling._

'Fuck the plot. Just get to the hot sex already.'

"I make no promises, I have very high standards you know," he said.

She rolled her eyes. She didn't believe that for a second. Anybody that is capable of pissing off any sentient being shouldn't be in the 'picky' category. Then again, she didn't think anybody should be in the 'picky' category. But especially, Wade Wilson seeing as the guy wasn't exactly Mr. Perfect and certainly didn't have the authority to judge considering his moral standing.

"Yeah sure, breathing is such a rare quality to find in someone," she said before hanging up.

X

"Well, well, bug girl, as far as winning my love back this kind of sucks. I'm more of ease back into it, movies and popcorn kind of guy. I don't want to rush things I've been hurt before, you know," he said.

"Do you ever hear yourself talk is it just a white noise in your ears?" she asked.

'She's kinda hot when she's mad.'

 _She has a mask on._

"Come on, masks are sexy as hell," he actually said aloud.

She deflated slightly, realizing that trying to talk sense into him was useless. It really was best to ignore him and focus on their mission. After this, everything will be over between them and perhaps she could go back to some semblance of normalcy. Maybe she could convince her roommate to choose a different apartment to really avoid ever seeing him again.

"Whatever, it's time to go," she sighted. "Just stay quiet while we clear this building, alright?"

"Oh honey, have you just met me?" he teased never knowing when to quit.

"Just… just hold my waist damn you," she said through her irritation.

"Well, why didn't you say so sooner!?" he exclaimed. She felt two big hands grab her hips and pull her back into an expansive hard torso. Then she felt arms lock around her stomach.

"Clingy little son of a bitch," she muttered under her breath.

"What did you SAAAAAYYYY?!" he screamed as she shot one of her webs into the air and had it retract to lift them up at pretty incredible speed.

Then her hands and feet came in contact with the building. She grunted softly as she looked up at the rest of the building from where they were at. Fortunately, she managed to get to the half way point. To be honest, Spiderwoman was just grateful that she stuck to any surface and had the super strength to deal with someone like Deadpool being around twice her weight.

'God, why hasn't this dingus word-writer gotten to the sex already?'

 _But we're about to get to the action._

'Not the action we want. This is rated M right? Give us the boobs, the butts, and the dicks!'

"You know…," he said aloud as they began climbing up the wall like a pair of spiders.

"Wilson, shush," she said softly.

"But—"

If she could turn and see his face properly she would glower at him. Could he be quiet for at least one moment? Was that too much to ask for? Apparently for Deadpool it was.

"Shush!" she said again. "We're about to pass a window."

"Fine then," he whispered near her mask covered ear. "We should fuck in the bathroom when we get inside. Just a quickie, promise."

She'd never understand why guys thought that women would ever find doing it quickly would ever be appealing. Getting in and out didn't sound like fun to her at all in the first place. But that was the least of her problems….

To punctuate how much he wanted to get into her superhero spandex pants she felt a forming erection dig into her lower back. And she was just done. She had reached her limit with Deadpool for the last few weeks of irritation and home invasion. It didn't matter if she got a bit of a break. All that irritation just came back full force. She was done. Just done.

"That's it! You're on your own, you lecherous pervert!" she exclaimed.

With a loud squeak of 'what' from him, she grabbed the back of his shirt, easily ripping him from her back, and throwing him into the window below them. She sighed in relief when he screamed loudly, crashing into the glass inside.

"Oh, that should not make me feel as relieved as it does," she sighed, visibly relaxing. "Alright, finally I can do… ah!"

A gloved hand grasped her ankle, seriously startling her. "I don't think so, my little spider-monkey," he said, yanking her down harshly into the window with him. She squirmed in the pair of arms she found herself in, not happy at being held or manhandled like this. "You can't get rid of me like that easy, beautiful."

 _We're like a disease._

'Like athlete's foot!'

"I cannot be the only one with a boner right now," he laughed out loud, looking down at her in both his arms.

Just then a bunch of cronies their target hired busted through every entry point, except the window, and pointed their weapons right at them. Spiderwoman let out a long groan of deep annoyance, hand slapping her forehead lightly. This was supposed to be for Deadpool and Deadpool only, punishment for being such a nuisance the last few weeks. Not her included.

"Yeah, uh, Deadpool, I think you need to put me down. Right now," she laughed a little awkwardly at the situation.

"Don't sweat it, baby, they just like to watch," he winked behind his mask.

"Down. Now," she said, patience running very thin.

She looked nervously at the flunkies pointing their huge guns at them, ready to fire at any moment.

 _You do remember that Spiderwoman doesn't really have an excellent healing factor, correct?_

'Oh.'

"Shit," he said before chucking her across the room like a rag doll just as the bullets finally flew.

Immediately, she caught herself and then stuck to the high ceiling of the building, glaring down viciously at her 'partner'. Everything about him lately was irritating her to her core.

"I hate you," she said in a quiet rage.

"I know," he smirked.

…

"You and your boyfriend are going to pay for this," they heard.

Both Spiderwoman and Deadpool looked over at the guy who said that. He was dressed in cut off, leopard print pants, from an actual leopard; a sharp, studded, zebra belt; strappy shoes; an open, lion shaped vest with the long mane and all. He was quite tan, muscular, and had dark hair with thick facial hair.

Then the both of them looked over and saw a woman with fluffy, green, and white hair; an equally as green, and white spandex jumpsuit in a swirly design; and bronze skin.

'Did he say boyfriend? As in Penny? As in we're Penny's boyfriend? … This guy's a genius!'

 _Or severely retarded._

'Shut up! It could happen!'

"Hey, even he thinks we're meant to be, Spidey. Now give us a kiss," he said cheerily as he leant down towards her lips.

She put her gloved hand up to keep his masked lips from her masked lips as she scowled at her reoccurring enemy. Sure their was animosity between them, and sure he'd want to say things that'd piss her off. But Deadpool? Her boyfriend? Yeah, they had matching costumes, but this wasn't a Halloween party. Not only that, but he annoyed the crap out of her.

"He is _not_ my boyfriend," she said incredulously.

'Why does she hurt us so?'

 _Well, we rarely leave her alone… ever._

"Come on, Kraven, let's get on with it. I hear the boss is going to double our pay if we hurry it up," she said.

"Perfection cannot be rushed, Vertigo," he said. "This Spider-brat always screws up my plans and sends me straight to the big house. We're not rushing this. Perfection can't be rushed!"

"Yeah, _perfection_ , don't try and bullshit me," she scoffed with a noncommittal roll of the eyes.

They're argument continued on. Spiderwoman and Deadpool looked back and forth between each other and the pair in front of them. Then she gave him a look, raised her brows, and gestured her head towards the door. He gave her a vacant expression and she sagged in frustration briefly.

"Do you think they'd notice if we ditched and just skipped to the pent house?" she asked in a whisper.

'How did she get so smart all of a sudden?'

 _She probably got her GENUIS level intellect from her mo—_

'It was a rhetorical question, jeeeeez. Everyone knows genuis isn't genetic. Gosh!'

"Oh hell yeah, let's get outta here before we suddenly get _dizzy_ ," he said, not intimidated whatsoever and playing it up.

The two of them began inching slowly towards the exit as the other two of them kept blabbing on and on. The argument ranged from the money Vertigo wouldn't shut up about and how much Kraven the Hunter expressed his hatred for Spiderwoman. The other pair were almost to the open double doors when they heard:

"Hey! What do you think you're doing?"

The two of them stopped in their tracks.

"Uh, trying to bow out," Spiderwoman shrugged. "If I wanted to watch a couple argue like that I'd just watch Passions with Spike." She snickered loudly at her own joke.

'Really a Buffy the Vampire Slayer reference? What is this 1999? Damn Millennials!'

 _Well, the writer does have one of the cover arts of the series as her profile picture. She's probably a huge fangirl._

'What a dork! Wonder if this 'writer' has ever gotten laid.'

 _Uh, we probably shouldn't make fun of her, she does control ev—_

Suddenly, Kraven brought out his double barrel sawed off shotgun, Vertigo covered her ears, and took out Deadpool's kneecaps with two shots. Spiderwoman gasped loudly in surprise as the man next to her howled in agony, collapsing to the floor.

 _Told you…._

"Well, we'll deal with this later," Vertigo said, looking over to her partner with a smirk. "Let's just get rid of the Spidergirl and Bloodpool."

"I like the way you think," he said.

"Holy shit, dude, are you okay?" she said, looking at his completely and absolutely ruined legs.

"Oh baby, don't worry about Daddy. He just needs… erugh… you to kiss it and make it better," he coughed hoarsely.

She rolled her eyes. Even with blown out legs he still made crappy pick up lines that wouldn't get him anywhere with anybody except maybe an awkward laugh here and there. So much for worrying about this guy. Clearly, it was wasted.

"No. Clearly, you're fine if your hitting on me. Have fun with those knees," she said bitterly.

'She's being soooo Tsundere right now!'

 _Or maybe she's just not that into us._

'Love us, Spiderwoman! We may look a cheese grated testicle with teeth, but we're great in bed. Lots of experience.'

She shot her web at Kraven's shotgun and pulled it towards her quickly and shattered it across the doors behind her. But Kraven simply brought another firearm, hand guns this time, out of his bag. Spiderwoman gave him and Vertigo a look as the mutant lifted her hand. Sickly green swirls appeared in front of her. She gave Kraven, her partner, a knowing look and Kraven fired into the swirls.

She dodged the bullets, her spider-sense telling her where they were going to land, but the catch was the nauseating powers were embedded in the bullets were still present. And it simply got worse when the bullets either shattered across the wall or the door or ricocheted off the wall.

And she wasn't immune.

Severe naussea hit her like a baseball bat to the face. Just in time her hands clamped over her mouth to keep her from vomitting and it took a moment or two for her to gain some semblance of control of that. But the waves of nausea still kept coming and before she knew it she collided into muscly spandex that smelled of chimichangas. Deadpool. She groaned, bringing her face out from between two hard pectorals, and looked up to see none other than a cheeky grin on his stupid masked face.

This night just kept getting worse and worse.

"Ah, my little spider, if you wanted me to hold you all you had to do was ask," he smirked.

"Idiot," she grunted, feeling a cold sweat run all over her body.

She tried to lift and steady herself, but it was almost impossible. It was as if she was intoxicated on moonshine or hard liquor with the exception of her mental cababilities weren't inhabited. A grunt left her in irritation when she felt a tight net landed on her, knocking her down harshly.

This was one of Kraven's special hunting nets that definitely kept its victims fairly secure where they were.

"You're done here, Spiderwoman. You and your stupid little boy toy," Kraven said.

"I like the sound of that," Deadpool smirked.

"Come on, let's just go. Schmidt might cancel that check," Vertigo said irritably, tugging at his muscular arm.

After a moment, Kraven agreed with his partner. Just before he left with his partner he lit his light and set fire to the wooden door once he was outside of the room. He smirked maliciously down at her, satisfied with the knowledge that she'd burn to death.

Spiderwoman struggled to get free, but Kraven the Hunter's net was adamant just like she expected it to be. After all, she didn't particularly enjoy being flush against Deadpool's body in an entanglement of limbs or, well, losing to anyone. But the hunting net around them hardly left any wiggle room.

'Holy shit, she's practically writhing against us!'

 _We are getting rather turned on. Who knew that it would be the enemy that would bring us together?_

'This is kind of hot.'

 _Now is not the time to get an erection._

"Penny, if you don't stop squirming like that you're really gonna feel my third wanting to do a little dance with your two legs. And by my third leg I mean—"

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up, you pervert!"

"Pervert?" he said, feigning insult. "I'm a red-blooded Canadian male! Your warm little spandex body is rubbing all up against my spandex body in all the right ways especially my crotch. It's friction, Penny! Friction!"

"Oh my god, shut your mouth! I'm trying to think!"

"Don't yell at me! It's one of my turn-ons, gorgeous."

She tried her best to ignore him and think of a method of escape, but it was difficult with him literally as close as they could possibly be. She cringed. She could feel all his bulky muscles flexing against hers, his somewhat heavy breathing against her masked ear, and a forming erection beginning to press insistently against her belly. She stiffened in disgust.

"God, is sex all you think about?" she groaned.

"When you touch me like that, darling, hell yeah. Told you we should've fucked in the bathroom," he said.

"There's a _fire_ in here. No time for sex, idiot," she said incredulously.

"Ugh, yeah, could you roll over? My katana is digging into my back. It's kind of killing my boner, babe."

"No I will not ro— wait, your katana! I can cut us to freedom!" she exclaimed in relief.

She glanced over at the growing fire just a mere few feet away from them. She could feel the heat of the flames against her face, causing her to sweat in her spandex. It was a no brainer, she knew she needed to hurry.

'Dammit! We aren't going to be touching any longer! Awww!'

 _Her body does feel nice. How long has it been since penetration?_

'Depends. Do you mean 'us' getting penetrated or our 'lover'?'

Before he could even say a word she rolled them over with a hard push. He wiggled his brows down at her and she just rolled her eyes at him before unsheathing one of his katana from his back. Quickly, and rather clumsily, for fear of being burnt Spiderwoman slashed the webbing to bits and pieces… and left a long slash along Deadpool's back.

"Argh! Okay, Pen-Pen pain does get me all hot and bothered, but Jesus that was way too much. We need a safe word. Safe word," he said. "Wookie. That'll be it, babe."

She didn't bother to reply to the sex talk he never seemed to stop. She simply shoved him off of her. Now, on her feet she offered her hand to his to help him up. He took it and towered over her. She saw and heard the blood drip and splash against the tiled floor. Guilt hit her.

"Sorry," she said, coughing from the smoke beginning to really permeate the room. "Turn around and let me see."

"Checking out my ass?" he said, smirking. "I know you like it."

She shook her head. "No, I want to see how deep your cut is," she said.

"Aw, senpai noticed me!" he said excitedly through spasms of coughs, hugging her tightly, lifting her up in the air and spinning her. "You care!"

"You're obviously not hurt. Come on, let's get out of here before we burn down," she coughed, pushing him off.

She looked around, inspecting the room. She already ruled out the only set of doors in the room since the were engulfed in flames and spreading to the wallpaper. Then her brown eyes caught a glimpse of a window. Through her coughs, she crossed the room and slammed her body against the glass with a loud grunt.

"Nugggh!" she exclaimed, feeling it start to crack against her strength.

"Watcha doing, good looking?" she heard her 'partner' cough next to her.

"Trying to get us out of here," she said. "Want to help me with THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSS!?" she screamed across the window that gave way under sizable strength.

 _Catch her before she breaks her neck._

'No, she needs some milk.'

She yowled from the glass that tore across her thigh when she fell through the window she broke. She shot a web into the air, attaching it to the building across from theirs just as she felt arms wrap around her waist tightly. And, of course, the buildings were far too close in New York and she smacked against the brick. Both her and Deadpool fell against the sidewalk below.

"Owwwwwwwww," she heard a muffled voice below her say.

Spiderwoman lifted her head and looked down. Well, that explained why the falling didn't hurt as much as she thought it would. She apologized to him and got up. However, when she put pressure against her cut thigh her leg buckled and she sat back down with a small cry.

She cursed colorfully, angry with herself that she injured herself, and effectively ruined the mission. Never mind that her thigh was hurting so badly that she thought she'd black out. She was never this sloppy on her own or even with the other Avengers and friends. What made this such a colossal fuck up?

"Shouldn't we get back inside and find Schmidt?" she heard him ask.

"The building's on fire," she said out of deep annoyance for her actions. "Not to mention Schmidt is probably gone. Fled somewhere."

She then felt large hands grab her sides and pull her up from the ground as if she didn't weigh a thing. She hissed when pressure was put on her injured thigh, but the incredibly intense pain disappeared when her arm was slung around his shoulders.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"Taking you home," he said. "Unless you want to roll out on the pavement like an autobot you might want my help, little lady."

"Whatever," she muttered quietly.

After all the _excitement_ exhaustion was tugging at the edges of her consciousness. She tried her best to stay awake, not trusting that he'd get them there without a hitch, but sleeping was so tempting. And eventually, it was too tempting and she was out like a light.

'Well, we got our own sleeping beauty and we didn't have to use any roofies.'

 _That is so wrong._

"Well, it's about damn time we bring our lady friend home," he said. "The next step. Oh what a lovely occasion! I just wished she was awake."

He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and the other around the back of her knees in order to lift her bridal style once again tonight. He was definitely taking her to his apartment this time around even if his common sense was tingling and telling him otherwise.

 _Shouldn't we take her to, I don't know, a HOSPITAL?_

'Nah, hospitals are for wimps. Spidey's not a wimp, right?'

 _But she is a human that can die._

"Our baby isn't going to die! Don't be so dramatic!" he chastised himself.

 **Author's Note: Well, a lot of crap went down this chapter. Hope you enjoyed it.**


	6. Meet the Parents

**ImAnnieB: Yeah, breaking the fourth wall is fun. I think anybody who writes for Deadpool is their favorite part. The opening credits for the movie gives that away quite clearly.**

 **Also, I'm excited for Cable since the guy is the straight man to Deadpool. And it's clear that Ryan Reynolds has a love and respect for Deadpool and made it impossible to see anybody else in the role. Also, the Ferris Buller's Day Off parody made me super happy because that's the first movie to do a post-credits scene. It's great.**

 **Chapter Six: Meet the Parents**

She woke with a start. Immediately, her back shot straight up out of an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar room, in an unfamiliar apartment. Her hands searched at her sides and found that her kidneys or other organs weren't missing. She sighed in relief, but that sigh turned into a loud hiss of pain. Fuck, her thigh!

"Oh, you're finally awake," she heard the groggy voice of none other than Wade on the bed beside her. "You okay, baby?"

"What did you sew my leg up with?"

"Dental floss. I cleaned it with alcohol too. Glad you were unconscious for that," he said, sitting up. "Aren't I a wonderful partner?"

 _A wonderful partner would've taken her to get stitches and pain meds._

'Oh shut up, she's fine.'

She inspected the outside of her thigh. It was swollen, red, puffy, but thankfully it wasn't oozing puss or looked infected to her eyes. But she wasn't idiot, she was going to go to a hospital before she lost her leg to a severe infection. However a thought occurred to her.

Schmidt knew they were after him and probably sent a hit on them. They probably, much to her chagrin, needed to lay low for a while unless they wanted to get assassinated randomly out in public.

"Did anyone follow you?" she asked.

"No, it's kind of hard to sneak up on mercenary, love," he said, wiggling his brows at her.

Her first instinct was to roll her eyes, but she really didn't have the energy for it even though she just woke up. In fact, she was hungry, tired, and in pain. Well, she knew how to satisfy the most urgent issue. So shakily she went to get on her feet, but Wade stepped in front of her. And well, she noticed something off with him.

"Hey, what's up with you? You're kind of walking funny," she commented, scanning him with her eyes for any injuries.

"Aw, you're worried about me, baby doll?" he said playfully but the wince was a dead give away. "But seriously though, could you help a partner out?"

He turned around, showing her several deeply embedded glass and wood in his back. Her brown eyes widened marginally at the fact that he wasn't screaming in pain from this. Any normal man would've bled out by now, but luckily for Wade, in this case, he didn't fit in the whole 'normal' scene.

"I can't reach it. I even broke the back scratcher and if I get a splinter back there I'll never get it out."

'At least it wasn't our ass.'

 _Dear lord we do NOT want to think about that._

"Jeez, Wilson," she said, pulling herself off the bed. "Why didn't you wake me up to get this out?"

She grunted as pain shot up and down her leg from the weight she placed on it. Then she shifted her weight properly and told him to go to his bathroom which he complied to. Then she limped over there and sat down heavily on the rim of the tub. She looked up and saw him looking at her expectantly.

"Well… bend over," she said.

 _Did she just tell us…?_

'Yea! Pegging time!'

"Ooh, finally warming up to Daddy?" he questioned playfully. "I'll let you know I haven't prepped yet, so you'll be going in—"

"Ew no, repulsive brain," she exclaimed. "No, bend over, so I can reach your back and the both of us can sit down."

Was his mind always in the gutter? If she wanted to bend over a guy with glass and wood in the back for sexual stimulation she'd stay on the bed. That was far more convenient after all.

He sat in front of her hunched over, exposing the sheer cluster fuck of glass along his back to her. How he put up with the pain without fixing it until now was beyond her? But nonetheless she began to fix it.

Her smaller fingers and the fact that she could actually see what she was doing was far more precise than Wade could ever be. And she could tell he tried on his own what with the scratches along the glass and wood and all. She shook her head in disbelief as she began to slowly and gently as possible, seeing as he was already howling in pain.

"Sorry, sorry!" she exclaimed. "But good lord, Wade, you should've either woke me up or got someone to get it out earlier." she yanked a big one out of him near his spinal cord filled with blood clots and a bit of his… colon? She gasped in surprise and disgust and dropped it fast into the tub causing it to shatter and squish disgustingly.

"Did you just call me Wade?"

 _It seems we're on a first name basis. Finally._

'What are we? British?'

"What?"

Did she? She supposed she did. After all, she didn't realize she did so since she was far too disgusted and upset that he'd be this stupid about his own body. Her bad. Jeez, he wasn't going to let this go was he?

"You said my name, baby face," he said, turning towards her. "Say it again. Real slow this time."

She refrained from rolling her eyes. "Turn around, lover boy. You still got a wooden rod up your spine," she said.

'We feel giddy like a schoolgirl.'

"OOOOWWWCHHHH!" he howled.

 _Giddiness gone._

She began picking out the splinters one by one after all the glass was gone. Thankfully they were all pretty chunky and easy to grab. That and she was rather transfixed by his skin quickly sewing itself back together without foreign objects getting in the way. Curiously, she ran a finger down the scarring flesh delicately, watching the the skin jump under her touch.

"What'cha doing Pen-Pen?"

"Nothing," she said, shaking her head to clear her thoughts. "If you weren't you I'd suggest a tetanus shot and stitches. But you are you, so scratch that."

He turned around to face her, putting his hands on top of her thighs, avoiding her injury. She gave him a look wondering what he was up to. She noticed that, for once, they were at eye-level with one another, and he seemed to notice as well and was going to take advantage of it. His masked face was mere inches away from her bare face.

"Do you mind if I stay here?" she blurted out.

'Is she on drugs?'

 _Spidey actually wants to live with us?_

"What? Really?" he was taken aback.

"We need to lay low. I don't want to lead Schmidt's men back to my apartment and Gwen. I at least need to wait until dark to make my move," she said. "Do you mind?"

Suddenly, she felt arms wrap around her tightly and lift her from the rim of the tub and pull her up into the air. Her eyes narrowed exponentially at being spun around like she weighed nothing. If she wasn't so paranoid or injured than she would've left and gone home. But that was not the case.

"Of course I don't mind, my beautiful darling!" he exclaimed. "Now we really are like domestic partners!"

What did she get herself into?

"Do you have regular clothes I can fit into?" she asked.

He put her back down to her feet, but he didn't let go of her back until she grabbed his hands and put them back at his sides. She gave him an odd look since she had no idea as to why he had that expression on his face.

 _Penny wants to wear our clothes?_

'They'd look better on the floor.'

"Why? Do you want to smell like me?" he asked. "Isn't that a little creepy?"

 _We're one to talk, we watch her sleep for fuck's sake._

'It's a fanboy thing. You wouldn't get it.'

 _We're the same person of course I get it!_

"No," she said. "I don't have any clothes of my own with me except my trashed suit. And I don't know about you, but if I saw a woman in a Spiderwoman suit I'd think she was Spiderwoman."

"Or an intense fangirl."

She gave him a look for that. She knew he was joking, but still her tolerance for, well, anything was very short. Her fucked up thigh saw to that.

"Alright, alright," he said, putting his hands up. "I'll see what I've got."

After a moment, Penny leant against the empty doorway of the bathroom, waiting on Wade to find something for her. She resituated the position of her leg as her mind began to wonder. Would she be able to put up with Wade Wilson aka Deadpool for a couple of hours nonstop? He irritated her quite a bit what with his only mission in life seemed to get into her pants. But perhaps… if she focused on the good.

Well, what was good about Wade? She looked over at his bent over form and her eyes were easily drawn to a tight, muscular, round ass. Yeah, yeah that was definitely a plus.

"Hey, don't objectify me," he said with a wink, shaking his butt at her playfully.

"Oh please, you have no room to talk," she scoffed with a short laugh. "You objectify everything and everyone. Especially me."

He walked over to her and handed her a pile of clothes with a wiggle of the eyebrows. "Do I get a strip tease?" he asked hopefully.

"You wish," she said. "I definitely put on a show."

"Wait, really?" he asked, eyes lighting up with hope.

"No, I've never tried anything like that," she snorted, laughing at the disappointed look outlined on his face.

She shut the bathroom door and ignored the stench of the toilet and the rotting organ bits in the tub as she changed quickly into a baggy shirt and pants that were clearly several sizes to big. Fine by her, she didn't mind. It was far better than blood and sweat filled torn up spandex that's for sure.

Later after the two ate, which surprised Wade that they found something that wasn't rotten, they were on the couch flipping through the channels on his TV. They weren't finding any luck with anything decent on at the moment.

"Hey, hand me the remote."

"No, I like this show," he said.

"It's just static," she said incredulously.

'Favorite show ever!'

She shook her head, ignoring the merc with the mouth. If she hadn't gotten used to his craziness and antics by now she never would. And she was indeed used to it, and that's why she knew that she'd need to get it herself. Mindful of her leg, she leant over him and reached for the remote on the armrest next to Wade. She sure wished she had her web-slingers on her person at the moment.

 _Well, what a perfect opportunity our lovely Penelope has presented to us._

Just as her little fingers wrapped around the plastic of the remote she felt hands grasp her hip and the back of her knee to pull her into a spandex-clad lap. Her eyes narrowed dangerously at his seeing as she was for once eye-level with her partner. She didn't appreciate the huge obnoxious smirk on his face.

"I had a dream like this once," he said.

 _Once?_

'More like a thousand times.'

 _We strictly remember there being far less clothing as well._

"Let go," she said.

She didn't appreciate being pulled into her partner's lap and looked at with such an aggravating shit eating grin. She may be more tolerant of his… attitude and whatnot, but that didn't mean she wanted to take a sit on him with his hands on her.

"But baby you look so good in Daddy's lap," he said flirtatiously.

She rolled her eyes and scoffed. "I bet you say that to all the girls," she said, rolling her eyes.

'Only the hot ones.'

 _When do we hook up with hot people?_

'There was that one time… no, no… and then that other time where….'

"To be fair, I say it to all the guys too," he said.

She smiled amusedly despite herself.

Then something occurred to her. She's never seen him without his mask on. Sure, she understood with perfect clarity the whole 'keep your identity a secret' but the guy never took it off. Even in the comfort of his own home. Naturally, curiousity sparked in her.

"Hey, I've never seen your face," she said.

"Hey, I know that," he said in the same tone to tease.

"Can I see you?" she asked a little hesitantly.

Her short fingers grasped the hem of his red mask, but just as her hands come into contact with it a far bigger hand grasped hers. She frowned. Apparently, that was a no.

"Trust me, baby, you don't want to see me," he said.

"Oh come now, your face can't be that bad. I've seen a lot of ugly mugs in my life and I think I can— HOLY SHIT!"

If he hadn't been holding onto her good thigh she would've fallen back and cracked her skull onto the coffee table behind her from the sheer surprise of his face. She thought perhaps he'd just have a mole or a scar. No, his entire face was heavily scarred and he didn't have a single hair on his textured head. Jeez, no wonder he was so hesitant.

"Told you," he said, pulling his mask back down over his face.

Suddenly, she felt her spidey sense tingle right at the back of her skull. Her brows furrowed in confusion and turned her head towards the door. Then those same doors busted open and two people came rushing in, startling everyone in the room. Quickly, she removed herself from Wade.

"Penny!" the both of them shouted.

"Mom! Dad!"

'Mom and Dad? Who the hell— holy shit! Those are her parents!? Talk about a super family!'

Captain America and Iron Maiden stood by their kid, trying to make sure she was okay by asking lots of question and looking at all the damage done. Not to mention they were constantly questioning as to why their kid was here. And of course, Wade stood in shock at who he wanted to date's parents as Penny kept reassuring them that she was fine.

 _Well, we'll never break Penny's heart that's for sure. Otherwise holy fire will rain on us._

"No, I'm fine really," she insisted. "It's just a teeny tiny laceration. It's really not that bad, I promise."

'Sheesh, what kind of beatings has she been through to call that fine. I mean, she doesn't have a sick healing factor like us.'

"This is why we told you you can't join the Avengers," her dad said.

"Yeah, you could've died," her mom insisted.

Penny groaned loudly in frustration, looking fairly tired for someone who's only been awake for a about an hour. It was obvious this topic has come up a million times and she was sick of it.

"God, you fight over pretty much everything, but this _this_ is what you end up agreeing on?"

"Damn straight."

"By the way, what are doing at Wade's place?" Steve asked.

Suddenly, Wade got between them and wrapped his arms around both Steve and Toni's shoulders in a casual fashion. He gave their mildly angry faces a cheeky grin. Obviously, he was failing at giving a good first impression even though he's already met them, but not in a 'I wanna pork your daughter for the rest of my life' kind of meeting. But that mattered very little to him.

"So, Mr. and Mrs. Penny how are you on this fine evening? Wade Wilson, as you know, I'm your future son in law. So you're gonna see a lot of—" he said with a cheeky grin.

"Shut it, Wilson," Toni snapped, interrupting him. "I don't appreciate searching all day for my kid and finding her injured in your apartment. Go and find someone age appropriate."

"Like you?"

Everyone gave Wade a look for that.

Toni looked him up and down as if she was considering it before rolling her eyes and saying, "Nah, I've already got a sweet piece of ass."

She pushed his arm off her shoulder as Penny sighed deeply in frustration. It was bad enough that he was trying to sleep with her, but now he was trying to convince her parents that they should and not to mention he was hitting on her mom. Terrible, just terrible.

"Language," Steve said, face reddening in embarrassment.

"We're all adults here," Toni said, shrugging and smiling playfully.

He could see where she got her rigid morals and her sarcastic quips from. He just couldn't believe Penny, his wannabe girlfriend, was his childhood hero and a billionaire's kid. It was like getting presents before Christmas. But he was curious about one thing….

He crossed his arms over his chest, looking back and forth between the parents. "So how does a super soldier plus a super genius equal a super spider?" he asked, wiggling his brows suggestively.

"Please tell me you are not asking about my parents' sex life," Penny sighed irritably. "I will punch you, screwed up leg or not, if you are."

 _Her parents are pretty hot, but we should try and get on their good side._

'Yeah, so they can tell us how seduce their daughter!'

 _Parents don't like to think their children are sexually active much less try and get them laid._

'But we're clean! We can't even get an STD.'

 _We can still get her pregnant._

'Not if we do anal.'

 _She'd destroy our anus._

Wade was pulled out of his thoughts when he watched both her parents lift her from her couch and onto her feet. Both of her arms were wrapped around her parents' shoulders to help her walk. Apparently, they were taking Dear Penelope away from his humble abode.

"Penny, we're taking you to the hospital," Steve said. "Now."

"Okay, I can definitely get behind that," she sighed.

"Can I come too?" Wade found himself asking.

Penny looked over her shoulder. "Unless you want me to break your hand when the doctor sews me up with real stitches and disinfects my cut. Not a lot of fun there," she said.

 **Author's Note: The things I write…. Sometimes I think I got too far, but then I realize this is Deadpool. ㈳7**


	7. New Tactics

**ImAnnieB: Nah, you don't comment too much, your conversations are fun. And I can draw decently, nothing impressive or horrific. But if I tried to make a fan comic or anything like that it'd look like ass let me tell you that. I don't know how to do panels, shade all that well, and all that mess.**

 **Anyway, I can see a young Arnold Schwarzenegger (Jesus that's a hard surname to spell) playing Cable. In his youth, he had the right build and height, but I don't think the Austrian accent wouldn't fit Cable though. The guy's a serious character and talking isn't one of Schwarzenegger's strong suits. But oddly enough I can see the guy that played Colossus as Cable minus the Russian accent of course.**

 **Weirdly enough, I just adored Colossus in the Deadpool movie. He's just so adorable!**

 **Chapter Seven: New Tactics**

Wade was at home, flipping through channels on his couch, and ignoring the rotting smell emitting from his fridge a few feet away. He was bored. Picking his ass, wishing he could pick on his favorite spider instead. He couldn't at the moment considering the last few times he broke into her apartment through her window she was nowhere to be seen. In fact, the last time he saw her was in his own apartment, leaving with her parents.

The broken gears of his brain started to work slowly and he realized that she probably was still with her parents for the time being. He'd worked with Steve Rogers (much to his inner-fanboy delight) and Toni Stark, and from what he could gather he could guess they wouldn't tolerate their child being injured ever, no matter how old she is.

So that meant he wouldn't be seeing Penny for quite awhile. He frowned. He, like with most people around him, wasn't making much progress in getting them to warm up to his… off-kilter personality. Sure, he caught checking out his ass occasionally, but that didn't mean she liked him or even tolerated him. And considering how annoyed she typically got with him he was shit out of luck. But she did use his first name and seemed concerned about his glass and wood riddled back. Maybe, maybe she could at least seem as a strained acquaintance.

"We need a new strategy," he said, pulling himself up from the couch.

 _That's the understatement of the year. Hmm, what's a way to a woman's heart?_

'Through her ass?'

 _No. Obviously, it's the person who knows all of her dirty secrets._

The rational voice was left with a drawn out silence of contemplation and confusion. If it had a hand it would slap its forehead at the sheer stupidity.

 _Her best friend._

'Oh right. This guy's a genius; we should keep him around.'

"It's a plan!" he cheered. "Spidey's gonna love this."

'Let's call it Plan D So Penny Will Suck Our D.'

 _More like Plan D for Dumbass._

So there he was, knocking on Gwen's door to ask for advice on how to get into her best friend's pants. The plan sounded better in his head, but maybe he could for once attempt the art of subtlety. Pfft, he scoffed. Subtly and Deadpool didn't really go well together… like oil and water. But never say never. He'd at least _try_ and be subtle about it.

Gwen opened the door. "Hello?" she questioned, not recognizing the masked person at her doorstep.

"The name's Wade Wilson and I want to fuck your best friend! Help me!" he blurted out immediately.

 _Ohh, uggghhh._

'What was that?'

 _I think I just had an aneurism out of sheer stupidity._

'Wow, I didn't think you were that stupid.'

 _AAAAHHH!_

All Gwen could do was stare in confusion and disbelief. Never had she ever had someone literally pound on her door like the police, and shout in her face that they needed help to fuck her friend. It was definitely a marvel. She just had to take it all in before making a smart, most definitely very educated response to this request.

"What?" she asked.

'Phew, maybe she didn't hear us.'

 _The whole damn building heard us._

He took a deep breath before speaking at a more appropriate volume level. "I want to your friend, Penny, to like me. How do I do that?"

"Um… you can't force someone to like you," Gwen said awkwardly, shifting on her feet. "Plus, I know she's sleeping with another guy, so you're kind of out of luck there, buddy."

Wade was taken aback. Penny was sleeping with another guy? Penny, as in Penny Parker, was sleeping with some other person? When? How? He rarely left her alone. How was that even a possibility? This must be some kind of fluke.

Gwen was about to shut the door in his face since this wasn't an exactly comfortable experience for her. She vaguely wondered if this was another one of Penny/Spiderwoman's stalkers. She'd call Penny after she was done with this strange guy and make sure that's not what's going on.

'Oh no, we're losing her! What do we do?'

 _Speak the truth._

'No, we should tie her up and make her tell us about Penny!'

 _What the hell is wrong with us?_

"Well, I really like her and I'm not really getting anywhere… at all really. And I, um, I don't really know what she likes, but I know she likes you," he said, scratching the back of his head uncomfortably.

'We're such an awkward turtle.'

 _I hear women find that endearing initially. Supposedly, that's cute and shows a softer more caring side._

'Pfft, bullshit! Women like tough guys that show their authority and save them from burning buildings. Scare her into submission and then save her from… something. She'll be like putty in our hands.'

But much to his more irrational voice's surprise Gwen's facial features softened and gave him a small encouraging smile. She opened her door wider and said:

"Why don't you come on in… Wade was it?" she said.

"Yeah."

He stepped into her apartment and looked around at the familiar place.

'That actually worked….'

 _I told you, it's endearing._

'Hope it doesn't turn us into a pussy.'

 _We already are pussy-whipped._

"You want some coffee? I just made some," Gwen called.

'Coffee? We love caffeine!'

 _No, we can't drink with our mask on and we don't want her to freak out from our butt ugly face when we take it off._

"No thanks."

He took a seat on the couch, his arms laid out on the back of it, and his legs spread out as if to properly display his clothed junk. Surprisingly, not so surprisingly, he was pretty comfortable on this couch and this apartment for that matter.

"So," Gwen said, taking a seat in an arm chair across from him while sipping on her coffee, "how do you know Penny?"

"Work."

Things started clicking together in her mind. "Are you her new partner?" she asked curiously, an amused smile gracing her face.

"Yeah," he said, wondering how she knew that.

"Oh my god, she talks about you all the time," she laughed.

She thought back to all the stories that her friend probably over exaggerated. He wasn't that annoying, awkward as fuck in an endearing sort of way when he actually got out what he tried to say, but not annoying. But then again, he didn't want to sleep with her and go out with her.

"Really?" Wade said, perking up visibly under his mask as he leant forward. "What does our dear little Penelope say about little ol' me? Anything good?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Um," she said, looking away briefly.

"Oh," he said, deflating like a balloon.

"But hey," Gwen said, patting his knee comfortingly. "At least she knows you exist and has some kind of feelings for you. And you know what they say, there's a fine line between love and hate."

'Is she talking about hate fucking?'

 _No, she's talking about **feelings**._

Gwen could see that did very little to make him feel better. His face was like a sad masked little puppy that got his toy taken away. He earned her sympathy points. Not to mention she wanted Penny to find some happiness in the boyfriend department. Her last boy toy wasn't exactly stellar, in fact, she hated him. And this guy seemed legit. If he just wanted to hit it and quit it then he wouldn't be asking Gwen about anything because he probably would've moved to somebody who would reciprocate. But she had to ask to make sure.

"Are you serious about Penny? Do you want to date her and eventually be her boyfriend or is this just a fanboy thing?" she asked.

'A fanboy thing? You mean like Spidey has stalkers?'

 _We qualify as a stalker._

'True.'

"Fanboy? Me? I never get mistaken get mistaken for a male Spiderwoman cosplayer. Never!" he said with severe sarcasm, making Gwen snort with laughter. "But yeah, I wanna be Spidey's boyfriend. I try so hard, you know, but every time I come at her from behind she gets so pissed off. I just don't get it. That's my specialty."

"You attack her from behind?" Gwen asked incredulously.

Whoops, that came out wrong.

"No, no," he said waving his hands. "I meet her in alleys or break into her— oh god, this is coming out all wrong." he groaned, smacking his hand against his face.

'Yeah, we have this amazing technique where we put our foot in our mouth. Oh wait, we've seem to have already done that.'

 _Well, we're about to make a straight down drop to our death._

Gwen laughed uncomfortable and shook her head at his ridiculousness. "Have you ever tried to be honest with her? Just told her how you feel without any pice-up lines and what not?" she asked.

Been straightforward with Penny without any shitty flirting? Nope. He always came on pretty strong and said exactly what he wanted to do to her… unless Penny interrupted him for being a 'pervert' as she so eloquently put it. And none of it worked. She still spurned his advances, got extremely annoyed whenever he was around, and because of that their teamwork sucked… ass. Maybe… maybe being honest wasn't such a bad idea.

It was clearly written all over his mask covered face that he hadn't tried this. "Well, if you're honest with her and show that you want to do more than get into her pants then she'll probably give you a chance. You seem like a nice guy."

"Hurray!" Deadpool exclaimed, picking up the blonde into a suspended hug and swinging her around. "You're so nice to me, Gwen-Gwen!"

Now, she could kind of see why her friend would get annoyed with him especially since he was trying his best to 'woo' the superhero and all. But the guy had a good heart. Most assholes didn't come to the girl they were trying to get with's best friend. It definitely showed a certain tenderness and tenacity.

"Please put me down. You're all sweaty," Gwen said, disgruntled by this. He did as she asked and dropped her down. "Are you sure you don't want to take your mask off? It's kind of hot out."

'That sounds nice.'

 _But we're ugly as fuck._

"Nah," he said, flushing at the mention of one of his insecurities. "I've got ugly ass scars, darling. You don't wanna see that."

Gwen shrugged it off, not pushing it. It didn't really matter either way for her she was just being nice. Then suddenly, something popped up into her head. Another nice thing she could help him with.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, a smile on her face. "I've got an idea! I'll give you Penny's number."

'Ooh hoo hoo, what wonderful ideas to abuse this new found power!'

 _She can easily block our—_

'Shut up, don't ruin this for us!'

"She's going to love this," Deadpool said, barely keeping in the giddy laugh threatening to escape him.

…

Later that day, Penny was at home doing her Calculus homework in bed. One thing that was definitely a bright side to this whole injury fiasco was that she didn't have the ability to crime fight and could use that time to do her homework, papers, and other assignments that her professors gave her. Maybe now she'd beat Gwen academics wise and graduate valedictorian.

Suddenly, her thoughts her thoughts were interrupted by the ringtone she assigned for text messages went off. She looked down curiously and saw that an unknown number texted her.

Curiously, she opened it and saw that it read: 'Hey, baby cakes, it's me Wade. Missed me?'

Wade as in Wade Wilson? She groaned in frustration. How the hell did he get her number? That was one aspect of her life that didn't involve him pestering the crap out of her.

'How the hell did you get my number?'

'A sweet little blonde birdie told me.'

Blonde birdie? Could it be… Gwen? Jesus, she hoped not.

'Gwen?'

'Bingo, my smart little cookie. She totally ships you know.'

She rested her head in her palm out of frustration. After lots of convincing, Penny eventually told Gwen about what happened with her and her last boyfriend, whom the blonde actually met and hated. So naturally Gwen, of course, sympathized and felt so bad for her that for last year or so she's been trying to hook the superhero up again. With a better guy of course.

But Deadpool? _Deadpool_? That's the guy that she thinks would be great for Penny to date and actually take seriously? Sure, she reckoned herself a funny person from time to time, but at least she didn't ride the line of hero or villian. She learned her lesson long ago.

Ding.

She looked down in frustration to see that yet again Deadpool texted her. This time it was an image. She opened it up curiously and then let out a sound of absolute disgust nearly dropping her phone. She didn't like it when assholes sent her dick pics to begin with, but that was nothing compared to horribly disfigured fully erect male genitalia on the screen in front of her face. She swore she'd maim Gwen for giving him her number to abuse it like this.

The text message at the end was almost as bad: 'Your turn. Show me yours.'

She was so angry she texted him back without thinking: 'Sorry I don't have a dick and therefore I can't show it to you. If you send me this again I'll castrate you with a pair of dull rusted pruning shears. Snip, snip, snip.'

 **Author's Note: That last bit is loosely based on a true story. Yeah, surprise unwanted dick pics are not cool.**


	8. Not Playing for Keeps

**I'mAnnieB: In the theater I was in, of course I saw it on Valentine's Day weekend (most romantic movie for the most romantic time of the year right?) and I saw kids come flooding in. I was laughing to myself and I was just a little concerned too. Then when it got to the 'pegging' part I started cracking up at both the children and parents' reactions. It's like, what were you expecting parents it's rated R expect raunchiness or extreme violence. Deadpool happens to have both. I was just laughing so hard watching these getting traumatized and their parents blaming the movie. So, so funny.**

 **Chapter Eight: Not Playing for Keeps**

Well, Penny's stitches were out and she no longer needed crutches to get around. So she had her things packed in order to head back to her and Gwen's apartment when the weekend started. It was a plan.

She sighed as she took a seat on her trunk, snapping it closed in the process. She wished she had a training partner available, but mom and dad were doing their own thing whether it be Avengers or business related (sometimes both), her kid siblings were at school, and her super friends were in big cities fighting high level crime. Punching dummies or droids wasn't the same thing as fighting a human… with at least some intelligence.

She weighed her options: call the only guy in the area, Deadpool, or just sit around for the seventh day. If she went with the Deadpool option she'd have a crazy merc with a mouth, hitting on her, and never shutting up. Pretty terrible, but then again she'd have the opportunity to punch his chatty face in and call it a little 'training mishap'. Then if she went with the sitting around thing she'd be so very bored. It'll be just like when her leg was fucked.

Before she knew it she shot him a text: 'Hey, do you want to train together? I need someone to kick around that won't crumble the second I do it. Sound like fun to you?'

After a few moments she got a text back: 'It's a date, you little sadist.'

She replied: 'We're not dating. Now, get your ass over here so I can have the satisfaction of kicking it out the front door.'

Soon the two of them were in the training room exchanging blows. She could sense he was pulling punches. She didn't know if it was because she had just gotten well after some time, if she was a woman and he was a man, or if he understood that beating up the person whose pants you wanted to get into was a bad idea. Either way she didn't like it.

"Oh come on, Wilson," she grunted in annoyance as she kicked one of his katana to the other side of the room with a big fan-like kick. "You're not even trying."

"To be fair, I thought it was a booty call — text thing. You know, 'training' actually meaning 'fucking'. Plus, your parents, brothers, and sisters aren't home. It's the perfect time to soil your sheets."

She placed her head in her hand as she sighed in frustration. "Dude, I don't think I ever have to be subtle with you," she said laughing dryly despite herself. "I'm pretty sure if I texted or called you and said 'come fuck me' you wouldn't be disgusted in the slightest by my bluntness."

'She knows us so well!'

"Wait, does that mean we are going to fuck?" he said. "I'm so confused."

Done with his bullshit, she used this opportunity to attack him. She grabbed the handle of the other katana just above his gloved hand, her free hand then grasped his neck, and then she kicked him along the calf with the leg closest to him. Immediately, his shoulders hit the ground, ass up, looking between his legs at the brick wall across the room.

 _Well, she made that brutally clear._

'We're just like how we came into this world: ass up and defeated.'

 _I'm pretty sure babies can't be born ass first._

'Shush, shush, go with it.'

"Ready to go at it for real now?" she teased. "Or do you like being face down with a another person beating your ass?"

The banter and wry humor was all coming back as she started getting pumped for a real fight. She didn't know how much she missed being Spiderwoman until it really hit her in this moment.

Deadpool's eyes narrowed considerably as he brought himself out of a rather embarrassing position. He towered over, trying his best to look menacing to see if Spiderwoman would flinch. She didn't. Either she didn't find him intimidating or she saw through his bullshit. He'd like to think it was the first.

"If you want me angry, you sexy little minx, you got it. But don't think I'm gonna go easy on— ahh!"

In a moment's notice, yet again, he was face down ass up. He was too distracted from all yaking to actually to notice she pulled the same shtick and got away with it. Story of his life.

"You know if I had my guns with me you wouldn't be so hot," he said.

She tapped the toe of her costume's boot again and again against the floor, testing out her legs. It seemed they were working fine after marching around her room so many times and doing lunges while waiting on her hot pockets in the microwave she had earlier. It seemed Spiderwoman was back.

"And if I was playing for keeps then you're head be through the floor," she retorted, offering him a hand up.

He took it and replied, "But this is the basement."

"Exactly."

'Gulp.'

 _Is it wrong that we're turned on by her strength?_

'She'll hold us like a fairy princess when we walk through the door on our honeymoon.'

 _She'd drop us flat on our ass._

She handed him his katana back. She wasn't so good with the weapons and she wanted to even the odds here. That and she figured he didn't appreciate his crime fighting stuff being touched; she hated it whenever somebody messed with her webslingers. Then again it was so much easier to fuck up her webslingers especially with the upgrade she had installed a few months back. Semantics.

"HAha!" he exclaimed, thinking he caught her off guard as he stabbed toward her head. But of course, her spidey senses tingled, and she moved her head away just in time.

But then, in her peripherals she saw his arm wrap around and slam against her collarbone. Instinctively, her fingers grasped that arm, keeping his blade from digging into her sensitive neck. Before she was about to drop down and escape, but she felt that arm that arm of his smash her back into an expansive torso. She grunted in irritation.

"Is it just me or is it getting hot in here, beautiful?"

Her heel came down on his toes. A yelp of pain came from him and his grip loosened, giving her the perfect opportunity to toss his weapon across the room in a clatter. She turned towards him, ignoring the way his brows wriggled, and kicked him right into the center of his gut. He fell hard on his back. Then webs stuck and pinned his wrists to the floor, and a small foot stepped on his chest to keep him from lifting his chest.

"I think I've had a dream like this once," he said. "You know the kind that you wish you had a skeet blanket for."

'Soiled our boxers.'

 _Soiled our dignity._

'What dignity?'

She gave him a look. The guy dreamed about being pinned to the floor by her webs _Fifty Shades of Grey_ style? For Deadpool she figured that was rather normal. This was obscure kink and the guy was obscure. But _still_.

She was taking her foot off his chest and was about to call this whole training thing quits, but she suddenly felt Deadpool's foot get her right in the shin. She gasped in both surprise and pain. Her body slammed hard into his, knocking the breath out of her, and making her glare down at his grinning face.

Suddenly, she felt mask clad lips press against hers, making her recoil almost immediately. Spiderwoman gave him a look for that. When did she signal that she wanted a clothed lip lock? Pretty much never.

"Why did you do that?" she said, sitting up and rubbing her mouth to rid it of that tingling sensation.

"'Cause it bothers the hell out of you," he answered truthfully.

"You're ridiculous," she grumbled.

Why she invited him in her home was beyond her? He always ended up annoying her expertly.

"Come on, babe, let me up," he said, "and I'll really show you a thing or two."

"Or maybe I should web that mouth of yours shut?" she said playfully.

"I don't think so, beautiful, fans won't be too happy about that," he said.

She gave him a weird look and was about to ask what the hell he meant, but she thought better of it. That question probably will never be answered and honestly she was okay with that. She didn't want to be driven crazy as well.

"I think I'm done," she said, standing up. "If you can get free I guess I can get back to kicking your butt."

"B-but Penny," he whined, pouting hugely.

He was like a cartoon: over the top personality, voice, and expressions.

"Fine," she sighed mockingly.

She tore the webs free with her superior strength. Then before she could say anything about it she felt hands grab her wrists and pin them next to her head on the floor. She gasped as she felt and saw her partner's body plaster against hers rather forcefully. A frown graced her face, easily outlined by her mask, as his masked face grinned down at her triumphantly.

"Ha, I win," he said, kissing the tip of her masked nose just to see her get angry with him.

'Sexy wrestling? Is that what's happening now?'

 _This would be better without clothes. But then again, spandex doesn't really leave much up for the imagination._

"Uh hello," she said, her foot getting him right on his side, and knocking him over, "wrestling's fake. And I'm definitely the winner by the way." she smirked playfully.

Then she felt a meaty arm wrap around her shoulders, pulling her back against his chest, and felt his legs bracket around her own. A grunt came from her at this sitting position he had her in.

"Don't think so," he said, breath hitting the top of her head. "But if it's any consolation you get this big guy all over you." he buried his face into her neck and nuzzled it affectionately. "What a lucky girl," he said near her ear.

 _More like lucky us that she's putting up with this._

'Maybe she's in love.'

…

…

…

 _Don't think stupid things._

She was about to sink her nails into his arm when she heard the doorbell ring. Who could that— oh right, her siblings were home from school and wanted Penny to unlock the door for them.

"Let go," she said, slapping his arm and legs to get his attention properly.

"Who's at the door?" he asked, not letting go until she answered.

Should she be honest? Wade Wilson is a raunchy, raunchy man and her brothers and sisters are ten years old in the fifth grade. And even though the thought of seeing the look on her dad's face at hearing them dropping the f bomb would be hysterical, that would be totally inappropriate. But in reality he wouldn't leave if she asked, so she should try and set the record straight and threaten testicular death if he didn't.

"My little brother and sister," she said. "I've got to let them in."

'Ooh kids, we love kids. Let's teach them the birds and the bees, and what happens when mommies and daddies forget the condoms.'

 _If we do that, on a scale of one to ten, how viciously do you think Penny would kill us?_

He released her and the two of them got to their feet. A huge grin was plastered on the mercenary's face which confused the superhero. Why would he be smiling about meeting a couple of kids? She thought he'd be the type that thought children were annoying and wanted to generally avoid them because of their annoyingness. Maybe that wasn't true?

"Aw, kids are cute. I bet they can't wait to meet their friendly neighborhood Deadpool!" he said.

"First, that's my shtick," she said, heading up the stairs from her parents' basement. "Second, you better not do anything stupid like explain to them what real the meaning of 'tossing the salad' is, or snip, snip, snip."

She saw him visibly shudder and smirked. At least she made an impression.

"Ooh, spidey, when you say things like that you make a guy's balls want to crawl back up into his body out of fear," he said. "Oh, and I know how to act in front of kids. I've got one of my own."

Her eyes widened considerably at that. Deadpool has a child. Deadpool has a child. Deadpool… has… a… child. He wasn't exactly the poster boy for family man. Did that mean he was possibly a married man as well? If that were true then he was one of the shittiest husband ever since he'd been constantly trying to get into her pants and all. Knowing him, it was probably a one night stand gone wrong. She just hoped that he was involved in his child's life as a decent guy if he indeed had a kid and wasn't lying his ass off. Jeez, it just threw her for such a loop that she just stared at him, thankful that she had a mask to cover her face.

 _Where's a camera when you need one? This is definitely what you call a Kodak moment._

"Aw, jealous that I'm not your baby daddy?" he asked, wiggling his brows. "I mean me and my blow up doll Katie are in kind of in a serious relationship right now. But don't worry, I've got a lot of love to share. There's plenty of Wade Wilson to go around."

The doorbell rang again, signaling her why the kid topic came up in the first place. She shook her head before heading up the stairs again with her spandex partner right behind her.

'Do you think anyone's ever told her that her ass is… perfect?'

 _Well, she knows what tossing the salad is._

'Aw, knocking on the back door…. If we try that shit she'll do the same to us except with a rake.'

 _Ooh, get the image out of our head._

"Ooh, get that image out of our head."

Penny ignored him and answered the door to reveal the twins. The both of them sighed dramatically, complaining about their sister taking too long to let them in, and then were very confused at who Penny had over. They of course never met him before.

"Alex, Selene this is Wade Wilson. He's um…," she was at a loss for words as to what to call him. Could she say on old work buddy? He didn't really look like the kind of guy that worked at the Daily Bugle when she worked the summers there what with the red spandex and all. But she also really couldn't tell her ten year old siblings that she, a superhero, was partnered up to a lunatic to kill a pair of bad guys.

"I'm her new boyfriend," he said proudly, wrapping his arms around her shoulders. "Certified, even got it stamped on my butt and everything."

Penny's face exploded in red as Selene and Alex laughed with her new 'boyfriend'. Normally, she'd get after him and tell him to fuck off, but that was a plausible excuse as to why a fellow costumed guy was in her parents' house without bringing up the constant annoying 'w questions' they'd no doubt would ask.

He probably planned for this, the little bastard. Now, he had free reign, until her parents came home to help her with moving her possessions that is, to call himself her boyfriend. She hated these moments of 'brilliance' from the merc with the mouth because it usually meant that she'd get the nasty end of it.

Well, at least he made her siblings laugh and whatnot without teaching them something that would make her parents beat him to Mars and back. That was a plus.

Then the twins raced each other to the kitchen, no doubt getting an after school snack. Penny sighed as she closed and locked the door back. Then she felt arms wrap around her stomach and pull her back into spandex and muscle. Yet again she felt his face nuzzle into the crook of her neck and frowned.

"Are we playing house, my little spider bite?" he asked.

'Think she'll make us chimichangas and get to baby making?'

 _You do understand that reproduction is not the enjoyable part of sex, correct?_

"You wish," she scoffed. "You're lucky my brother and sister are here otherwise I'd beat you black and blue for hanging on me like a groupie and saying you're my boyfriend."

"Ooh, I love it when you talk dirty," he practically purred in her ear. "Now, tell me I'm a naughty boy and spank me."

Her brows creased on her forehead at his request, unimpressed. Why did it not surprise her that he was into being 'punished' and would say crap like that when two elementary students were just in the other room.

"Okay, we're done here. Bye. Gonna hang out with Selene and Alex now," she said.

She disentangled herself from him and walked away to the kitchen since snacks sounded like fun.

 _This is Penny's childhood home, correct?_

'Sounds about right, yeah.'

 _Let's see if we can find any baby pictures and embarrass the hell out of her._

'I like the way you think. Let's keep this guy.'

"Oooh hoo hoo hoo!" he laughed maliciously.

'Next, let's do a panty raid!'

As Penny tried to reason with Selene and Alex to stop fighting over the last grape popsicle the superhero heard a loud shout and crash from the living the room. She sighed dramatically, snatching the popsicle from her two siblings, eating it, and then walking out of the kitchen.

"Penny!" both of them exclaimed.

She ignored them, seeing as she effectively stopped their stupid little squabble. Then she left the two to see what the hell the other child she was apparently babysitting was doing.

Apparently, somehow Deadpool fell backwards across the coffee table because of the turnt up rug. Her brown eyes also detected an old family album open to a page of a couple pictures of when she was an awkward tween.

"What is wrong with you?" she sighed, offering him a hand up which he took. The twins behind her giggled at her partner.

"No one knows, darling," he said. "Some people think I was dropped on my head, lobotomy, spawn of Sa—"

Tired of his ramblings she lifted his mask, and shoved the popsicle in his mouth to shut him up. He gagged for a moment as the kids and Spiderwoman laughed at Deadpool.

 **Author's Note: Oh Deadpool, you just can't sit still can you?**


	9. Long Day, Spidey

**I'mAnnieB: I mean I'm not a romantic person (which is odd considering the fanfics I write). Consider me jaded. I've had four dudes that liked me. One of them called at 3:00 am breathing like Darth Vader, another supported Hitler, another said he wanted to pimp me out, and the last wanted to marry me with five kids when I was 17 years old. So I always suggest to never wish you had a boyfriend and enjoy being free because things can go sour so quickly. After all, I attract crazies like a moth to a flame. So I know a thing or two about craziness.**

 **Chapter Nine: Long Day, Spidey**

Penny sighed softly as she opened the door to her bedroom. She was exhausted, took the last of her final exams, and had a lot of haggling to do with Jameson to get the check she earned for her photos of Nightcrawler. All she wanted to do was to change into her pajamas, curl up in her bed, and sleep the stress off. But when her brown eyes looked up she saw none other than Deadpool resting on his side with lacy, pink lingerie decorated all over his costume.

First of all, where did he get that from? She didn't own lingerie and even if she did he would most definitely stretch or break the fabric since he was far bigger than her in both height and bulk. And, she was fairly certain that he wouldn't be able to find panties and bras in his size that would fit him comfortably, considering he didn't have the body type of a typical consumer.

Second, why did he think it was a good idea to greet her in this manner? Why? Why? Lingerie didn't really get her all sexually excited. Bras and panties on guys, or anyone really, didn't do anything for her. Was he trying to get her to laugh? It was a little funny seeing a grown ass man dressed in women's underwear, but she was a little too worn out to even muster a giggle.

"Hello, my darling little superhero, long day at school?" he asked in a mockingly sweet tone as he ran his hand up the outside of his thigh.

'We feel so pretty!'

 _This bra hurts so badly though. Why did we have to go with the bedazzles? They're digging into our skin._

'Shh, lingerie is sexy.'

Penny closed her eyes, sighing loudly, as she dropped her book bag to the floor. She shrugged it off and approached him, so he sat up in response. For once, they were at eye-level and it kind of made her smile. If anyone told her she had a little bit of a Napoleon Complex she would deny it wholeheartedly, but it was indeed kind of true. Her hands rested on top of his thighs.

Wade couldn't tell if she was amused or annoyed by his little greeting.

"Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Wilson?" she teased.

"Well, I've already decided, beautiful, you're waaaaay too stressed," he smirked. "So yeah."

She gasped loudly when she felt his hands grasp the back of her knees and pulled her into his lap, causing her to wrap her arms around his neck to keep her from falling backwards onto the floor. She gave him a pointed look for scaring her like that. She didn't appreciate being pulled around or yanked off her feet.

"I knew this lingerie was good for something," he said, grinning at her.

"Yeah, you look nice," she said, strap snapping the pink material. "Did Victoria share her secret with you?"

'Is she being sarcastic?'

 _Her tone doesn't suggest it._

"Aw, you make a guy blush," he said, putting his hands against his cheeks as if he might really be blushing. "I feel like a schoolgirl in love with her senpai!"

Arms wrapped around her tightly and crushed her into his bra clad chest. She sighed, rolling her eyes. The man was ridiculous, but she found herself patting his back anyway. Her energy was zapped so much so that honestly she could pass out onto his shoulder. But she remembered why she was going to call him after her nap (if he hadn't been in her room that is).

"Hey, I found out where the Schmidts went," she said. "How do you feel about going away with me for a few days at one of my family's vacation houses?"

'How romantic! We get to play house with dear Penelope!'

Suddenly, she was in the air being swung around like she weighed nothing when that clearly wasn't so. She didn't know why he enjoyed picking her up and swinging her around so much. She sure didn't appreciate it because of how much it disoriented her.

"Oh, going on vacation together! What a big step! Of course I'll go with you!" he exclaimed, burying his masked face into the top of her hair.

"Okay, put me down," she said.

He sat her back down and she saw a huge smile grace his face. Apparently, he was rather happy about being alone with her… in a cabin… alone… out in the wilderness… alone. She was seriously beginning to regret this. It sounded more like a set up to a horror flick.

"So you gonna tell your parents to get their keys or whatever?" he asked.

"Hmm, asking my parents for the keys to a cabin to go spend a couple of days with an older man that's been trying to get in my pants since day one?" she said, giving him a look. "For some reason I don't think that would go over too well. Maybe they have the flu." she was a little surprised by how intense her sarcasm was.

She heard a chuckle behind her as she plopped down on her bed. All her mind and body wanted to do was rest before she passed on the floor. And she wasn't surprised whatsoever when she felt the bed dip in the small empty space beside her and a body lay next to her. She didn't care though, all she wanted to do was sleep.

"So… I heard you've been sleeping around with another guy," he said, attempting so hard to come off as casual and failing miserably.

 _Smooth… we've definitely earned an Oscar for that performance._

'Well, at least the Oscars have some standards. At the Grammys, you could literally beat the shit out of one of the nominees and they'll ask you to perform twice.'

"Oof!" she exclaimed when she jerked in surprise so hard that she hit the back of her head on the headboard. It seemed both Gwen and Wade were two for two in getting her to react violently at mentioning her sex life. "What? Who told you that?" she asked, giving him a look.

"The same person that gave me your number," he said.

Was he jealous? It surely seemed so. She'd understand if they were seeing each other in any sort of capacity, but they weren't. So she found the fact that he was jealous at the fact that she was 'sleeping' with some other guy rather amusing.

"Dude, you almost never leave me alone. When would I have the time to sleep with another guy? Gwen probably thought it was you," she said. "Besides I don't really see how it's your problem if I decided to bump uglies with someone else."

 _Ooh._

'Cold blooded.'

 _Not as cold blooded as that Chris Brown reference from earlier._

"Oh how you slash me with your words," he said melodramatically, clearly trying to play it up. He clutched his chest as if he was actually wounded. "How can I go on from such cruelty?"

Penny rolled her eyes at him before she decidedly ignored him. It was sleepy time for at least… twelve hours. Then she'd feel human again.

…

"Hey, don't you want to pack?" she asked.

"Nope. Just need a clean pair of boxers and I'm good," he said. "And my backpack of fine weaponry of course."

"Gross. I hope you like cold buns because that's what you're going to get," she said.

"Oh but there's going to be fires and you, Pen-Pen," he said. "You know I'm a clingy bastard."

She snorted in amusement. Sure, snuggling and lots of touching was typically fun, but there was a difference between wanting it from time to time and wanting it all the time. She didn't understand why guys thought that women enjoyed being clung to (it worked vice versa). But maybe Wade was just a needy person, and considering how much he adored pestering her and was pretty adamant about dating her, he had no way of going about it.

"Haha, you act like we're gonna be touching," she joked.

"You're so mean to me," he pouted.

"You're a hard guy to be friends with," she said honestly, patting his shoulder briefly before she moved towards her closet for her coats.

'Ha! That's what she said!'

 _Wait… did she just call us her friend? Wow, we've made progress._

'No not the friend zone! Anything but the friend zone! We'll never get out of it!'

He came at her from behind and just as she turned he wrapped his arms around her back. He practically squealed in joy and crushed her face into his chest. Brown eyes rolled at the man's antics.

"Aw, you said we're friends," he said. "Are we really friends, Spidey?"

"Why not… Pooly?" she sighed. "Now come on, let's get going okay."

She was quickly regretting this decision. Driving with Wade in the passenger seat was… horrendous. He was like a eleven year old kid on a sugar rush. He wouldn't stop talking, fiddling with all the buttons that didn't impeded her driving, and he kept trying car games (which is annoying considering her eyes needed to stay on the road). Penny said he was a difficult friend to be with and their car ride certainly proved that.

He sang loudly. He sung like a chainsmoker that was attempting to swallow a croaking frog. And it didn't help the fact that it was a shitty rap song about the typical tropes: drugs, booze, money, and girl let me get into them draws. It was god awful and she was about to reach her breaking point.

"Alright! Bathroom break! I need a bathroom break," she said, shutting off the radio.

"But we've got like an hour left," he complained.

"If you don't stop singing I'm going to toss you out of this car," she said. "So yeah, bathroom break."

"You know you're not being a good friend," he teased.

"Well, you're not exactly a good friend be with," she shot back.

There was a brief moment of tense silence. She finally figured out what he was in her life. He was like a younger sibling. Always pestering her, never leaving her alone, and breaking into her room. The exception being that he constantly wanted to get her into her pants and a relationship. Yeah, that's definitely not a typical sibling relationship.

"Oh but I'm a fantastic lover," he said, wiggling his brows playfully.

'Yeah, we won't go down on her.'

 _And we're completely about our own pleasure._

'We make Latin lovers look like chumps.'

She rolled her eyes amusedly. She didn't have any desire to test that theory. After all, she'd hear guys brag all the time, whether it be her or another woman, about their sexual prowess and they fail utterly at living up to it. It was equally sad as it was hilarious.

"If I wanted a freak in the sheets and the streets I would just go back to my ex," she said.

She heard him laugh from the passenger seat and smiled at how she got someone to laugh.

Soon enough the two were at her parents' cabin. As Penny was getting her bags out of her car she suddenly felt cold whiteness splash against the back of her head. She whipped around and saw none other than Wade snickering with another snowball in his hand.

"Oh, you did not just do that," she said, a challenging smirk spreading across her face as she closed the car door behind her.

"Put your hands in the air, Missy, it's time to detain you," he said.

Playing along, she raised her hands above her head and stalked over towards him slowly. A mischievous smirk was present on her face.

"Oh but what's a young, rebel girl supposed to do when such a strong, strapping military guy comes to arrest her?"

Wade was taken aback. He didn't expect Penny to play along with his game. He thought she'd just pelt him with snowballs soak him in the snow until he apologized. But no. She was playing along with him.

 _And a thousand sexual fantasies were born._

'*sniff* so beautiful!'

While he was distracted with his thoughts she took the opportunity to quickly snatch a handful of snow. She hid it behind her back as as she continued to approach him.

"Well, when you say it like _that_ I— WAIT!" he said.

She ran along the snow, feet crunching along it. Just before he started running after her, she aimed and then fired. She laughed loudly as the cold, white substance smacked him in his masked face. Quickly, she headed right behind the thick tree trunk for cover. She smiled happily, gathering up more snow in her hands, and readying her next attack.

"Where are you, itsy bitsy spider?" Wade teased.

He was sneaking around behind her car, taking cover, and looking for a pair of boot clad feet. He didn't see any. He figured she must be hiding behind a tree facing away from him. But nonetheless he made his own snowball, ready to strike.

"Hey Wilson!" she shouted.

"Huh?" he stood at full height, curious as to where his partner was.

"You've got something on your face!"

Less than a second later snow hit him in the face again. The entirety of his head was soaked in cold water all the way through his mask. He could hear her flaunting her victory. She heard her laugh again and saw her silhouette flash by to head towards another tree.

'We got her now!'

"Oh you're so gonna get it, Parker," he teased.

"Am I?" she said, not threatened one bit.

Snow hit her across the back right before she hid behind another tree. Yes! He got her again. They were two for two. And he was going in for the kill.

"No more, no more, no more," she giggled.

"Oh yes more!" he said, sprinting across the crunchy snow to get over to her.

Penny whipped around just in time to see Wade grab her and tackle her into the snow. The breath was knocked out of her in the form of a loud grunt. She opened her eyes and looked up at the smiling face of her partner. Apparently, the guy was pleased at tackling her to ground in the snow and, much to her disgruntle, 'winning'.

"Done, done city. You're done, Spidey," he said.

She rolled her eyes playfully. He was ridiculous. If she wasn't used to snow and being cold in general, New York has very short summers after all, she'd probably not be too happy. But the thought of getting him with so many snowballs early still made her smile. Her good mood wouldn't be diminished.

'You think she'll wanna do it in the snow?'

 _No one likes cold buns._

She noticed he was getting closer and closer to her. And he had lifted up his mask to reveal the scarred lower half of his face with matching pursed lips. Her brows raised at that. Oh poor mercenary, he's left himself wide open for her next attack. Really it was his fault for making it so easy.

Her fingers dug into the snow, getting a hand full, before she smashed it against his exposed face. The grunt of surprise made her laugh softly. Then she used his shock to her advantage and rolled the both of them over. She pinned his hands by his head and straddled his stomach easily.

"I'd say you're done, dummy face," she teased.

"Oh Penny," he gasped, wiggling his brows at her flirtatiously. "You realize that we're in a pretty breathtaking scene with you straddling my stomach. Dare I say, this could be romantic."

"You wish," she said playfully before standing up and giving him a hand to help him up which he took.

They got their luggage and headed towards the two front doors. And almost like clockwork, Wade did something stupid that got himself hurt.

"Catch me!"

With a running start he launched himself at Penny, who instinctively dodged the larger person, and busted his butt on the freezing brick of the porch. He, of course, started howling in pain and clutching his rear as the woman beside him chuckled at him. It definitely wasn't his stupidest moment, but it was still fairly stupid.

"Oooooowwww," he groaned lowly from the pain. "I thought it'd be cute, you know. You'd catch me like in the movies and carry me through the threshold… like a blushing, new bride."

She shook her head and offered him a hand up. "You know you have to let a superhero in on the secret if you don't want to bust your ass," she said.

"But, but spontaneity!" he pouted. "Isn't that shit romantic?"

'Our ass says otherwise.'

"Didn't look romantic to me," she laughed shortly.

Again, she pulled out her keys and unlocked the door. She was about to grab her things and walk in, but red-clad figure stood in her way. She refrained from rolling her eyes. What could he want now? He already nearly broke his tailbone.

"Will you actually carry me through the door?" he asked, scratching the back of his head awkwardly.

"Seriously?" she asked, raising her brows.

"Does this face look like it'd lie to you? Wait, don't answer that," he said.

Should she? It seemed completely unnecessary, but then again he'd never leave her the hell alone if she refused. The guy was stubborn and persistent about the things that he wanted. Besides, she certainly had the physical strength to do it, and it wasn't the weirdest thing he's asked of her by far. So… why not?

"Alright," she sighed.

She wrapped an arm around the back of his knees, and wrapped the other arm around the back of his shoulders before lifting him bridal style. He wasn't as heavy as she thought he was. Or maybe she's been getting physically stronger. Who knew?

Wade looked absolutely giddy like a witch in a magic shop. She didn't understand why. Sure, he's probably been carried by others. Super strength wasn't an uncommon trait for super people. And she just couldn't help but tease him for it.

"Do you feel like a pretty princess now?"

"As a matter of fact I do," he said. "Not everyday a guy gets carried by Spiderwoman. Save me, Spidey!" he squealed.

She rolled her eyes amusedly.


	10. Stealthy is Healthy

**ImAnnieB: The queen has returned. Haha. Sorry I went on a hiatus there; I've had writer's block/fatigue. I have no idea how to pace myself, so I just run out of steam and then come back hard later. And by the way, I get you so hard about the whole relationship thing. Recently, I've had a close friend talk shit behind my back and didn't see it as wrong thing to do. People man! Finding a good one is like finding a unicorn in a sea of skunks. So I can see why people are keeping more to themselves lately… that and people use social media as a substitute for an actual person to person relationship *guilty of that*. I would give Wade Wilson a try if he was real, but that high ex-wife mortality though would make me pretty gun shy.**

 **Chapter Ten: Stealthy is Healthy**

"AHH!" he screamed.

Wade's arms wrapped around her sides tightly, and buried his face into her scarf covered collarbone. The popcorn bowl flew to the floor, scattering the kernel all over the rug as Penny's expression transformed into one of mild displeasure. For a mercenary, he sure did scare easy at C-list horror movies. That didn't sit well with her.

"It's all right," she said monotonously, patting his back mechanically. Unamused. "The monster's gone."

He didn't move from his spot currently plastered to her side.

"Yeah…, you're not moving are you? Scared my ass," she scoffed. "Just an excuse to cling to me, huh?"

'Can she read minds? Get out of our head, Spidey!'

 _Shh, dummy, Spiderwoman can't read minds. Perhaps, intuitive is the correct word._

"Guess 'genius' isn't an exaggeration, huh?" he said and then went on dramatically. "Whatever shall I do if you know all my tricks?"

He looked up at her with a shit eating grin, hoping to get a similar one out of her. When he did he thought that was the end of that, but of course not. He felt little hands grasp his shoulders and push him to the floor. She definitely knocked the breath out of him, and the way she was sitting on his stomach didn't exactly help with that particular predicament. Not that he minded her on top of him that is….

"I'm pretty creative," she smirked down at him. "I'm sure I'll think of some— AHHH!"

A muscular leg lifted and knocked her on her side. She rolled onto her back and found herself below a smirking friend. She pouted at the change of events.

"It's going down, Spidey," he said.

"Bring it on, Deadboy," she said with the same amount of playfulness.

She knew it was ridiculous, but she could never back down from a challenge.

The two grappled back and forth, trying to one up each other. At one point, Wade got ahold of her shoulder blades and flipped her over on her stomach. He heard her grunt in response. But he ignored it and straddled her lower back to play patty cake across her shoulder blades.

"Haha," he cheered.

"Ugh, why are mommy and daddy fighting?" she said a little out of breath. "Don't worry kids, it's just wrestling."

She heard him chuckling, effectively distracting him with her humor, so she could effectively knock him over with a hard jolt. He fell over. She got up and sat on the back of her knees and cheered with laughter.

"Oh that's not fair, you little spider," he exclaimed.

He dove for her, but this time she was ready. She moved to the side and he smacked chest first to the hardwood floor. He groaned in disappointment as he began to lift himself up on his hands and knees. But then he stiffened in surprise when she hopped on his back and locked her arms around his neck. He then smirked.

"Ha, gotcha!" she exclaimed playfully in his ear.

'Now, she's Monkeywoman!'

"I beg to differ, little lady."

He grasped her knee and pulled. He managed to slide her body down onto the floor. And that's about when he noticed something rather… interesting. Her legs were around his hips and her arms were wrapped around his neck. He wiggled his brows down at her flirtatiously wishing they were in the nude for this. It'd be far more entertaining. It'd certainly match one of his feverish daydreams.

"Well, isn't this… intimate?" he said.

Her limbs released his body and she let out a loud huff of air. "Yep, I'm done," she said. "You can feel the sexual tension coming from you a mile away."

"Hey, you started it," he teased, sitting up.

"And I finished it," she smirked, pushing him by his face onto his back as she sat up.

"Hey!" he complained. "Cheater!"

She laughed, taking her scarf off, and throwing it on the back of the couch. Who knew wrestling around with her friend would get her all sweaty? After all, she kind of forgot what that felt like considering she hadn't had a friend around to grapple and play-fight with in forever. Often times, she was a little too strong and rough for her own good. But Wade could handle it. And that was nice.

If only the guy would stop flirting with her. Then again, it was kind of hard not to make sex jokes when some of the moves ended up in suggestive positions. Penny wasn't above making stupid jokes. Wade just happened to beat her to the punch.

"I prefer resourceful," she retorted.

She looked up and saw that she wasn't the only sweaty one. Except the difference was she wasn't wearing a mask. She didn't know why he wore that thing all the time. Sure, the scars weren't pretty, but she wasn't going to make fun of him. She wasn't an asshole.

"Hey, I don't mind if you take your mask off," she said.

He looked immediately uncomfortable. "Well, I don't mind if you take off your shirt," he shot back.

 _Smooth. We're quite the pick-up artists. Let's go hit up a bar right now._

'But you don't actually think she'd want to see our ugly mug?'

 _She's probably just being nice._

"I know that," she said, giving him a look. "I'm just saying if you're too hot you can take it off. I won't freak out. Promise. Cross my heart, scout's honor." she smiled playfully, putting her hand up with her pinkie finger tucked in by her thumb.

He sat up, sitting across from her. He looked at her pensively. He didn't hear anything about dear old Spiderwoman being a scout. It probably explained why her morals were so rigid.

"You were a girl scout?" he said.

"Yep, for a short time," she said, lifting herself back up on the couch.

He joined her. "Explains why you live on a moral plane that only that only the rest of us ever dream of touching," he teased.

She frowned. When did not killing people equal ultimate 'moral plane'? If he was referring to saving people despite the public, especially the news sources, hating her then yes she was impressively righteous. She honestly couldn't tell if he was jealous or just making fun of her. Probably both.

Oh how shall she retaliate?

In a voice low enough to at least somewhat sound like him, she said, "Well, Penny, I'd like to do the right thing, but it's just so hard. It's so hard. And that ain't the only hard thing on me. Girl, let me get into them draws."

Wade's eyes widened and then narrowed dangerously. "Are you mocking me, little spider?" he said.

She continued on, "I'm Wade Wilson. I love to spend my days breaking into a woman's apartment, and trying all the wrong ways to get into her panties. I'm such a stud, ladies and gents."

 _Well…, we don't intimidate her at all._

'Let's roast her like a turkey. Fight fire with arsenic…. Yeah, that made total sense.'

She wondered how he'd retaliate. The guy was a walking talking joke book. It'd be so hypocritical for him to serve it and not take it.

In a super high voice he said, "Hi, I'm Penny Parker. I'm such a short little anger person towards Wade Wilson I make ole Wolvy look tame even when he's ripping him a new one with his adamantium claws."

"My body count's higher than the population of China and India put together. But I'm still worth being your lover ladies. Promise."

"Oh Wade, please see through my Tsundere-ness," he said, running his hands down his masked head as if he had long hair. "I may not act like it, but I really want that big, long, hard cock inside my pus— yowch!"

A hard enough strike to the stomach caused him to hush up real quick. There were playful imitations and then there was mockery. Wade had crossed that line for Penny. Surprise, surprise.

'Too far.'

 _We always take it too far._

"Oh you pack a punch," he said.

"You know if I actually wanted to fuck you, you'd be terrified," she said.

 _Is that a threat?_

'Then why are we kind of turned on?'

RING. RING. RING. RING. RING.

Penny jumped slightly and then realized the alarm she set on her phone was blaring. She picked it up and turned it off.

"What have you got planned this time of the night?" he asked. "Is it cookies?!"

"No, I gotta get changed."

With that she hopped off the couch throwing her scarf behind her. She crossed the cabin and shut the door behind her to her bedroom much to his disappointment. For a moment, he forgot why they were here in the first place. It was take down baddies. Right.

'Boo.'

 _Can't we play house longer?_

"Come on, let's go," she said.

He watched her pull down her mask with one hand and then grab his wrist with another. Without so much of a warning he was up in the air and being easily dragged by his new super pal.

Later that night the two of them were parked outside the new headquarters with a pair of binoculars. Spiderwoman was peering through the licenses watching many henchmen walking into the building with something that was hard to see even with the magnified licenses. And just as she's trying to zoom in for a closer look she heard:

"Hey, you wanna sip?"

Curiously, she put down her binoculars and looked over at her partner. The man had a grey flask in hand from, presumably, one of his many belt pouches. Why he would think she'd want to drink on a high risk job was beyond her. She figured he understood that she could actually get drunk unlike him.

"Ew," she said.

"It's bourbon."

"Ew," she further clarified.

"Suit yourself."

Drinking on the job was a bad idea to begin with, but the thought of drinking something that's been in his pouch for God knows how long was rather gross. No thanks.

Besides, she wanted to keep her focus on the operation at hand not his antics. But, of course, he always tried to get her attention and distract her from everything. He'd never make things easy it seemed.

"Does it look like crates they're carrying or something else?" she asked.

He screwed the cap back on and leaned towards her. Instinctually, she stiffened when she felt the side of his face brush with hers but then relaxed after a moment. She then handed the binoculars over as the last of the blobs of minions walked on in. As the seconds rolled by she glanced, at the profile of his masked face. At this proximity, she could see the outlined details of his face and the minor stains along the mask. She assumed that was taco sauce along the cheekbone of his mask considering how much he loved them.

 _Don't turn around. No sudden moves._

'What? Why?'

 _Spiderwoman is staring right into our very soul through our face._

'What are you a young adult, vampire, romance novel? She's just looking at our masked face without any… disgust. Wait, doesn't she know what's behind there?'

"You say I'm the creepy one?" he said uncomfortably. "You look like you're about to French me."

She blinked to clear her head and then replied swiftly, "You wish. You'd probably faint my arms."

"You know me so well."

With that she got out of the car and waited for him to follow suit before locking it. They were in the full parking lot trying not to look too conspicuous. Of course, Deadpool complained about being so far away and she retorted with a warning about blowing their cover. But soon, the two of them were hugged against a brick wall as the henchmen were hauling in who knows what. She was about to move on by climbing up the wall and finding a window to infiltrate when she she heard a tiny crash. The two of them looked over as best they could without being seen.

"Oh shit!" one of them exclaimed. "You're telling the boss about this, okay. I'm not taking the heat for you again."

One of the crates had broken at the bottom and caused the top to pop up a little. Brown eyes widened considerably at the sight of a human foot there.

"How about we just don't tell him and hide the crate?" the other guy said.

"That's the smartest thing you've said all day."

The two of them proceeded to dump it back behind the building and leave it there. And it seemed that was the last crate they had to deal with, so they left to go take their lift truck somewhere. Perhaps to a different storage unit.

"I think that was Bob. Hey, Spidey do—"

Little fingers clamped onto his shoulder and brought him down to her level with ease. "Now, let's see what… who they're importing," she whispered in his ear.

 _Why are we reminded of Outlaw?_

'Oh God not again! Our penis can only take so much!'

 _Oh right, it's that massive strength of hers. Hopefully, Spiderwoman understands the words 'be gentle' and 'ow that hurts' during coitus._

Then for the second time that evening he was being dragged by the wrist slowly towards that crate he didn't really care about one bit. Quite honestly he wished he was back at the cabin with her. Which is saying something, by the way, considering he enjoyed his fair share violence after all. But he enjoyed his fair share of Penny as well.

He was the first to try and pry the rest of it open. With several pulls and grunts he couldn't quite get it without a crowbar. Oh well, so much for trying to impress her with his strength and show her up. Spiderwoman just rolled her eyes and simply flipped it open with a flick of her wrist. It seemed she kind of wanted to be home before 6:00 am today.

"Hey, I loosened it," he defended.

"Yeah okay," she said not buying it as she moved the bedding.

What was revealed to her was a human woman, dead perhaps, with rags for clothing, badly bruised, and possibly cut in the hip area. Many questions and conclusions were being drawn up in her mind. What was this operation all about? Fury said that there were some shady things going down and that was why he sent both her and Deadpool but that was it. It doesn't take much to get her on board after all. But this? This was beyond just 'shady'.

"I think this is a sex trafficking headquarters," she said.

"What makes you say that?" he asked, looking somewhat concerned.

"It's a surprisingly big underground thing in the US. Not to mention sex sells, and this poor woman's hips and genitals are all messed up," she said.

For a moment, neither of them said anything as Spiderwoman pressed two fingers to the woman's neck in hopes to find a pulse. But it seemed even with the holes on top of the crate and her face up it seemed she died in there. Spiderwoman's eyes closed from the sadness that washed over her.

"She's dead."

'Quick, think of something funny to cheer her up.'

 _She'd probably hit us. For some odd reason people don't like it when we disrespect the dead. It clashes with the tone._

"Hey, if it makes you feel better. I'll put a bullet in the head of the person who did this," he said smiling awkwardly while scratching the back of his head.

As morbid as that was she knew what he was trying to do. So she opened her eyes and gave him a small smile. Then she headed towards the building's wall in order to get inside.

"I don't think that's what they call 'justice' so thanks but no thanks," she said. "See you inside."

"Wait, what about me?" he asked with pleading eyes behind his mask.

"Yeah, because _that_ worked out so well last time," she said with an eye roll. "Meet me upstairs, and try not to blow anything up."

"Oh you know me," he said with a dismissive hand wave.

"I mean it," she said.

Then she began crawling up the wall. And oddly enough from his angle she looked more Sadako than a spider. Imagine that, a young woman crawling up the wall looking a classic and popularly ripped off horror movie character from Ringu. Hmm. Either way, she got into the window easily with a simple lift of the latch.

Not to be out done, he looked around to find a way to get into the second floor like Spiderwoman. Like any new place it seemed that security was shite, so he slipped into an open door and bound up the stairs. And like two uncoordinated idiots the two of them ran into each other with a hard grunt from both.

Just when he thought he was going to eat dirt he felt a hand grab his arm and another clamp a hand over his mouth. Then he was backed into a wall alongside her. He hated it when people tried to shut him up, so he gave his partner a look that mustered up all his confusion.

'Oh god, this is so uncomfortable.'

 _Really, I thought we'd appreciate having her so close._

Spiderwoman's ears practically twitched towards the sound of footsteps approaching. Her senses were, well, sensitive. Normally, she wouldn't have to slam people around and clamp their mouths shut, but Deadpool wasn't called the Merc with a Mouth because he was a reserved individual.

When they passed down a different hall she released her partner, watching him sag against the wall.

"You are not a gentle lady, my friend," he huffed.

"Sorry," she said, patting the top of his arm. "Can't let you give us away."

Then, taking a page from the Assassin's Creed handbook, began tailing the henchmen. She was hugging the wall, crouched, and walking silently. He watched curiously as she sneaked up behind a lagging laggy, grabbed him by his mouth, and yanked him behind a wall up against it.

"I'm not going to hurt you. Promise. Just tell me where your boss is."

He walked up next to her vaguely impressed. He didn't know Spidey was stealthy. He himself had his moments, but he was more of a flashy kind of guy — nothing to worry about after all.

'Let's marry her.'

 _Yeah, proposing to a twenty-three year old is going to make her run for the hills. Goodbye, Spidey._

'But we're a marrying man! In fact, we're pretty sure our dick kills!'

 _Exactly._

"You want to kill that son of a bitch?" he asked.

"Um—"

"Oh hell yeah."

Spiderwoman gave Deadpool a dirty look for that. Was he kidding? Fury said to bring the guy back alive and she was just a _tad_ squeamish when it came to murder. Imagine that. She wasn't too pleased about how trigger happy he still was.

"I'm in," the henchman said.

Wow, the guy running the show must be a dick.

…

After a few helpful tips from the henchman, the two were on their way. The two were sneaking around, per Spiderwoman's request, seeing she didn't want a body count whatsoever. Not to mention the boss would just bail if he got wind that they were here again and they'd have to do this all over again. Please no.

"Hey, did you hear that?" she asked softly. "My spidey s—"

BOOM!

The hard blow to the stomach and the cloud of smoke and rubble that went into the air made it impossible to see who attacked them. The only thing she knew for certain was that she was in another room and Deadpool wasn't with her.

When she got her bearings back her vision finally focused properly. Her milk chocolate brown eyes blinked at the sight in front of her. A blonde, tan, brown eyed man with a 5:00 shadow was standing there. He was attractive and seemed… familiar. Was it the weaponry? He seemed to favor guns, grenades, and swords. Well, he wasn't going to be easy to take down. Guns and her didn't mix after all.

She stood up slowly and gave him a skeptic look.

"So your Spiderwoman, right? I've heard of you. Still, I'd back down if I were you," he said. "I'm not exactly gentle, baby girl, even to women."

"Not going to be a problem," she said.

The two exchanged a heated look. Their eyes were locked: brown on brown. Neither were going to back down. As the seconds rolled on they didn't even blink. In fact, it got so quiet and serious between them they could hear the air condition rattle around them.

Suddenly, his tanned cheeks flushed brightly and then he turned on his heel to walk away.

"I quit," he said. "I'm out of here."

Spiderwoman's eyes widened considerably. "What?!" she exclaimed.

He walked on despite her demand for answers. His heart was pounding wildly in his chest as if it was trying to break free from his ribcage. His face was flushed and he felt as if the room was as hot as a sonna even though he knew it was fine just a few seconds ago before he saw her.

"Hey, is this a joke?" she said, running over to the man.

"I want to make you mine!" he shouted suddenly and in his dramatic turn he flung several live grenades at the young woman.

She gasped loudly in surprise from the unexpected attack. Weird. Why didn't her spidey sense tingle and let her know that it was coming? Nevertheless, the young woman dodged the grenades by attaching her web to the opposite wall to pull her away.

"So that's Spiderwoman in action…. She's beautiful," he said.

He could imagine the two of them in each other's arms surrounded by a beautiful landscape. The sun was setting, coloring the world in gorgeous reds, oranges, and pinks. Even though he hadn't seen her face, he was entranced.

"I found my princess," he said wistfully, quietly.

"That was a dirty trick, you ass," she said, glaring.

It was just a jolt to his heart, sending it soaring.

But then she came for him at a run. He drew one of his blades from his side. He tried to make a swipe at her, but she leant back. The sharp steel were a few inches above her face, almost seeing the event unfold in slow motion thanks to her spidey sense.

Then she leant forward again when the sword wasn't near her face anymore. She attempted a roundhouse kick to his face, but he was backing up fast as she continued to attempt to lob his head off.

Soon, the blonde was back up against the wall. So Spiderwoman decided to try and deliver a hard blow to the head, but the man moved to the side. Her fist embedded into the wall — demolishing it easily.

"Wow," he teased sarcastically.

She went for him again, but his blade was far too close to her. She tried her best to move from it, but he was growing faster than she anticipated. The sword grazed her side. She grunted in pain, sliding away from him, and clutching at her side.

"You're not going to win, baby girl, but it's still not too late for you to be spared. If you just give Deadpool for experimentation I'll convince my boss to leave. Then you and me can, you know, scada—"

"Don't be stupid," she said. "I wouldn't dare sell my friend out. I'll protect him if I have to."

Those words were like a bucket of icy water to his face. All he could think of was how she'd protect Deadpool. She'd risk her life for Deadpool. She wouldn't dare sell Deadpool out for him. That meant they were rivals. Love rivals. For Spiderwoman.

"AHHH!" he roared, making Spiderwoman jump in shock. "What cruelty! My heart! My heart is about to burst! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts!"

"What's wrong? Are you having a heart attack?" she asked in surprise.

A dangerous look suddenly passed over his features, making him look almost possessed. "I will make Deadpool pay…. DEADPOOL WILL ABSOLUTELY PAY!"

Her jaw was practically on the floor in pure shock. This man was insane. What was wrong with him? Sure, she's had weirdos hit on her before (*ahem* Deadpool), but this was some next level shit. He just met her, started making passes, and then started shouting insanely about making her friend suffer.

 **Author's Note: What is wrong with me?**


End file.
